


Help me disappear

by Buckysthighs134



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Art major Steve Rogers, Belly Kink, Body Image, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bulimia, Bulimia Nervosa, College stucky, Depressed Bucky Barnes, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Food Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Bucky Barnes, Insecurity, M/M, Past Abuse, Protective Steve Rogers, Purging, Trigger Warnings, Vomit, Weight Gain, Weight Issues, anyway, bucky has an eating disorder, chubby bucky, don't know how to tag, insecure, so yeah descriptions of, story of my life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2019-10-20 02:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17613779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buckysthighs134/pseuds/Buckysthighs134
Summary: Bucky doesn’t know how to love himself the way he loves others.





	1. Wallet

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING : Bulimia, bad self image, bad thought.. etc etc.

_“M-mum..”_

 

_“No, james.”_

 

_‘James’ folded his arms around himself a pout already spreading on his face. He knew his mum’s words weren’t anything mean of the sort, there were just words that were repeated to him over and over ever since his physical._

 

_Her hand was soft on his chin as she tilted his face up, his eyes met her and all defiance left his shoulder as he sighed._

 

_“You know it’s the best for you honey.” her tone was soothing and he felt guilty reacting this way every time. But he knew it was the best. That’s what the adult kept repeating to him._

 

_So he nodded and forced a smile on his face fighting back the spill of tears , because he didn’t want to seem weak , and also because he didn’t want to disappoint his parents._

 

_Certainly not after his dad said. “ Look on the bright side , son. You’ll get to pick up girls more easily, your friends will be jealous of you.”_

 

_Right. More easily. Best for him. He forced himself to believe them._

 

_-_

 

Bucky cough and then heaves a sigh when his dinner is now all over the bathroom’s seat and the normally clear is gone, replaced by a mush and he can still tell the crisps haven’t made it out of him yet .

 

A retch pull at his throat and more content makes it out of him on its own, no longer in need of his finger scraping the back of his throat.

 

When only bile came next, he grunts and slides off his knees to lean against the cold tiles of the bathroom’s wall, his mouth half open and eyes closed , tears in the corner of them.

He can still feel the stickiness in his fingersand the ache in his gorge as he breathes heavily.

 

A few seconds later , his ears picks up the sound of his phone ringing and on shaky knees he stands up, holding onto the sink to steady himself as he washes his hands and face with one hand, spitting near the stopper and rinsing water over it. It was mechanical, almost auto-pilot like , the way he dries his mouth with his sleeve as he flushes the toilet clean, shop some toilet paper and clean the bowl where vomit had stuck to the edges.

He leaves the bathroom with his hands in his hoodie’s pocket marching forward to his room,unfazed, as if none of what happened had happened.

 

He clears his throat and slides the green bar on the screen.

 

“Hello.” _his voice is rough._

 

_“Hey Buddy, what’s up?”_

 

“Not much.” Bucky says , eyes fixed on the bathroom’s door from his position sat down on his bed. He tears his eyes away, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “ Why?”

 

 _“So listen,_ _I got a party tonight.._ ** _Nat get of_** _f- Hi Bucky , it’s Natasha.”_

 

 _B_ ucky snorts and push himself back heavily on the bed, his heart thumping in his chest. “ What’s up Nat”

 

“ _You better get your ass here tonight”_ She says in a ferocious way , like a mother ordering his son to ‘ _come back here immediately’_ and he puffs in amusement at the image of her as a mother. That is until until he hears his name being repeated on the other line.

 

“Sorry , what?”

 

“I was saying” she elongates. “ That we miss you and want to party with you.”

 

His heart clenches and he nods , hand laying on his chest and finger flexing gripping and releasing the fabric of the hoodie. “Miss you too guys.”

 

 _“So.. Can i pick you up? Say, 9?_ ”

 

He glances at his watch. One hour and 17 minutes. “ Sure. I’ll be ready.” He promises and can almost hear the glee coming out of her when she says next. “ _Don’t keep me waiting”_

 

“I won’t” He promises again and his hand comes back to rest on his chest.

 

“ _Love you”_

 

“Love you too, bye”.

 

The lines is cut and seconds after that , Bucky is moving toward his kitchen. Mind almost blank if it wasn’t for the invasive thought that invades his mind.

 

 _Socializing_. Sure. He can do that.

 

He tries to believe it, and is barely aware of himself as he pulls out the orange juice from the fridge and stick his hand in his pantry retrieving a pack of Oreos.

 

-

 

By the time Natasha buzzes on his door, Bucky had eaten two sleeves of stuffed cookies, drank about a liter of juice and all of it was now somewhere in the sewer.

 

It had taken him 15 minutes to push it all down and about five minutes to bring it out.

 

he managed to find clothes that didn’t make him feel bad about existing. Although , to no avail, no matter what he wears he finds it hard to breath. His jeans digs into his sides and his shirt emphasizes the bulge of his arms. He looks side way and is unable to keep himself from grimacing, his thumb and middle finger grip beneath his navel at the swell of fat pushing the waistband down. 

 

It makes him fidgety just to think about it. _He doesn’t want to go back to...- He’s so close to ..- He can’t let this happen again._

 

His heart resonate in his ears. Agreeing to go to that party was a huge mistake. People are going to see him, and the idea terrifies him. He doesn’t want to be seen.

 

He licks his lips in apprehension and sniffle a tear back, he can’t lose control now. He just can’t allow himself to do that. He can’t be weak. _He’s not strong enough, he won’t make it, he won’t-_

Natasha pulls him into a hug as soon as he opens his door.

 

In the arm of his friend, everything is pushed away. It’s been so long.

 

She doesn’t comment or pull away when his arms, like iron bare, make her sink further into his chest.

 

He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and she tightens her arms around him.

 

She has known him for ten years now. She _knows_ him and so she cards her fingers into the back of his head, gently scratching at his scalp and pushing her other hand on his back bringing him closer.

 

After a moment, he force himself to push away and force a smile on his face. Her eyes are soft as she takes into his expression and his smile deflares a little bit. There’s no point in hiding from her , she can read him like a book.

 

He shakes his head slightly , letting go of her hand and she sigh , holds onto his arms and kisses the corner of his lips.

 

He manages tosmile. A real one this time.

 

“ Looking good” She says looking at him, and swats his chest when he snorts in disbelief.

 

His hair is pulled back in a messy bun, thin strands framing his face where he didn’t tighten the rubber tight enough. All his clothes were black , pants shoved into boots and a leather jacket thrown over his shirt. The contrast between his dark brown hair , pale skin and the darkness of his clothes had always suited him.

 

Natasha watches the brunet pulls a grey scarf around his neck.

 

“Sharp.” She comments and he chuckles. “ Let’s go.”

 

-

 

“Funny” Bucky frets in sarcasm , there is a small smile tugging at his lips though and Sam continues to laugh at him.

 

“Seriously dude , how am i getting rid of this?” His arms spreads in annoyance and as Sam only laughs some more, he tugs his collar down and shows Sam the damage. A big area of his neck was scattered with hickeys. _fucking hickeys._

 

That, only results in making him laugh some more. Okay, maybe the four drinks he drained has something to do with the frantic laughter.

 

It even makes Bucky rolls his eyes in mocked irritation. Sam bring a hand up to swipe the back of his it against his eyes and claps his other arm around Bucky’s shoulder , tugging him forward. They walk thought the crowd of people as the music blares, occasionally bumping into someone but not bothering with apologizing, they won’t hear them and everyone’s too drunk to acknowledge them anyway.

 

The floor is sticky under their shoes , Bucky notes. “It’s going to be a hell of a pain to clean this” he says but Sam doesn’t hear him. Bucky didn’t expect him to.

 

Once on the balcony, alone , Sam tugs Bucky’s shirt collar down and laughs. “ Maan” he starts after releasing him and Bucky leans against the rail , pulling his pack of cigarettes and lights up one.

 

“ ‘Not much you can do buddy. I’d give it two or three days.”

 

Bucky lets the smoke in his lung a moment longer and then blows it out. “ I don’t have two or three days.” He explains and takes another drag. He can feel Sam’s expectant eyes on him and he shrugs looking away. “ I’m meeting with my mother tomorrow.”

 

“ **Oh** ..shit”

 

Bucky doesn’t even look up and blows the smoke away into the night, his eyebrow creased slightly, hunching his shoulder a little more.

 

“Yeah.” he agrees and sucks on his cigarette some more.

 

___

 

In the morning , the house is a mess as predicted and so is his head. The brunet wakes up with a violent headache throbbing in his brain and an arm wrapped around his waist.

 

He can’t find it in him to blush and can only groans as he pulls himself in a sitting positions on the couch , the arms fall down and small sound resonate in his brain when the stranger’s hand fall on the floor. The person doesn’t wake up , nor does the other 7 ones sleeping in various position all over the place: leaning on each other on the floor, against the wall , sprawled half naked on the other couch. He pushes himself up some more only to rest against the backrest in careful motions , weary of startling his brain.

 

His eyes roams around for a minutes as he gathers his thoughts. There are bottles of beers all over the table and on the floor. He pulls one closer and takes a cigarettes out of the pack forgotten by someone and is thankful that his lighter is still in his pocket so he doesn’t have to look for one in this mess.

 

Just the sound of the flickers he gets as he moves his thumb over the flint wheel is enough to make him groan in pain and he closes his eyes, head falling backward slowly as he inhales the smoke and rest his hand on his lap.

 

He doesn’t remember much of the night , he doesn’t recall how many cups he chugged or how he ended up tangled up on the couch with this guy, but the arm is back around his thigh and is flexing it’s muscle bringing him closer.

 

It doesn’t move him any closer though and Bucky can only assume that , that guy is equally tired as he is. He flicks his cigarettes into the bottle and just extending his arm makes him wince in discomfort.

 

As he smokes some more, his brains start to functions and he notices more than just the beers and the peoples. It really is a mess in here, and he feels sorry for Sam: The disadvantages of throwing a party is having to clean the next day.

 

That’s why Bucky never throws any. He knows he’ll just .. let it be.

 

His mother always used to scold him for the mess he’d leave. It wasn’t intentional. It just sort of .. happened.He’s thankful for living alone: no one to witness his mess but him.

 

For some reason, his neck go cold and his chest feels tighter.

 

Right. _No one._

 

He bites that thought back and let the bump fall into the bottle’s content before it burns his fingers. He pulls his hair back and takes a blanket bowled at his feet, pulling it around his shoulder, he lost his jacket somewhere during the night, taking the pack with him as he stands up. The arm falls again and the guy has the decency to groan in protest this time, it’s weak but Bucky can still hear it.

 

“sorry” He mumbles aware that the guy will not hear him as he starts to snore some more immediately.

 

Bucky feels like he’d been hit in the face with a brick. His eyelids are heavy and his brains throbs some more against his skull, his lungs feel packed and his shoulders shake with the cold and every steps he takes makes his muscles object.

 

He goes to the kitchen and stares as the coffee pours from the machine into his cup. He warms his hand with it and he looks around some more.

 

Kitchen isn’t better than the living room but at least no one’s sleeping there. So he pulls a pizza slice from the box on the table and chew on it. Alternating between his coffee and the cold pizza until he hears a cough and slowly turns his head around.

 

“Coffee and cold pizza.” The cougher starts. “ Classic.”

 

Bucky rolls his eyes at Natasha and munch on his breakfast some more. He ‘s not looking but he knows she turned her back to look at the living room and the hallway , as they are all open spaced , since she sighs softly. “ What a fucking mess”

 

He hums in agreements and smiles when she pulls a chair and lean toward his shoulder. He lifts the hem hanging off his shoulder and drapes the end of the blanket around her.

 

“You’re a saint.” she murmurs into his neck.

 

He snorts. “ Don’t i know it.”

 

__

 

Not even the pain in his head could’ve made him wished he’d slept longer , not when he had the time to shower back at his apartment change into other clothes and got to shove the last sleeve of his Oreo pack down his throat before three fingers followed shortly.

 

He’s grateful for his ability to never feel comfortable enough to sleep.

 

He bumps the last of his cigarettes on the sidewalk and pull outa gum from his pocket , pops it into his mouth and chew on it as he adjusts the collar of his turtle neck around him. The last thing he want is a lecture.

 

He made an effort when dressing up. Grey suit jacket paired with black pants and a blue shirt. Usually it was the effortless combination of comfy sweatpants and hoodies.

He tugs at the sleeves and push a hand in his hair , fixing nothing as it is already slicked back to perfection. But he can’t help himself.

 

He can feel the tension building in his shoulders with every steps he takes, his breath is shallow and then rapid and heavy as he comes closer and when his mother pulls him into a hug , his breath stops.

 

“It’s so good to see you James” She smiles , lets go and holds onto his arms.

 

“ ‘S good to see you too Ma.”

 

She smiles some more a certain scrutiny in the way her eyes rack over his body and hair. She doesn’t comment though, But Bucky gets the message and takes it all in anyway. He spots his father who’s still sat down by the table, on the phone , as usual and Bucky waits until he says. “ Right, bye” and extends his hands to shake his.

 

“ Hello James.”

 

“Dad.”

 

His mother is still smiling when they release their grip and show him the seat in front of them , her palm open to the sky and he sits, pulling the sides of his jacket around himself. _shielding_ himself away.

 

“Nice place.” Bucky comments when the silence linger too long for his liking and also to stop his mum’s wandering gaze on him.

 

“Best steaks in New York.” His father chimes in and Bucky nods.

 

“Right.” he says bitterly.

 

A waiter comes by and saves Bucky from some more uncomfortable silence. “ I’m Larry, your waiter for the evening, may i please take your order of drinks?”

 

Bucky sighs at the prospect of alcohol. At long last.

 

“ Vodka Tonic” he jumps in, his father is next. “ Scotch on the rock.”

 

 _Larry_ Smiles politely. “ And for you ma'am?”

 

“ A martini”

 

He smiles and promises to be right back, leaving Bucky to wonder how he even agreed to coming here. He hates everything. His jacket is too tight and his shirt clings to his middle , he blushes at the thought.

 

“So , how have you been doing?” he hears his mothers ask and he looks up to her.

 

“Good.” he answers flatly, not believing it himself but he hopes the smile he gives her is enough to make conceive that as the truth.

 

“Are your classes getting hard?” she asks and Bucky can’t help squirming in his seat.

 

“N-No” He stutters slightly and pulls the jacket’s sides closer to his body.  


“It’s just” She trails off to a stop as the waiter reappears and Bucky swear he could’ve launched a kiss on Larry’s cheek for his well time reappearance. But the joy is short lived as his mothers continues to talk and Bucky feels the ground vibrates under his feet.

 

He takes big gulps of his drinks and sets it down , wetting his lips looking down at the content of his glass , a shaky breath makes it out of him.

 

“It’s just” she starts over and Bucky chews on the inside of his left cheek. “ You always get-gain a little weight when studies gets hard”

 

 _you got fat_ , he hears and takes another sip. It’s more bitter on his tongue now.

 

“I’m fine” he tries to reassure her but it sounds more like he’s trying to reassure himself. “ i’m fine”

 

His mum nods and Bucky feels like crawling out of skin for the rest of the night.

 

His mothers talks a lot and it comforts him somehow, being able to just listen and not joins in, dugs in his steak instead.

 

His father does sometimes, correcting a fact or add a hum of agreement , his eyes never leaves his phone though and Bucky find himself glancing at him and he stops himself and tries to concentrate on his mother.

 

A question takes him out of his mind and he blinks at his mom a moment before frowning.“Sorry what?”

 

 

She gives him a funny look and takes a sip of her ( third? fourth?) martini, her mouth twitch into a smile. “ Any good in the love department?”

 

He hears his Dad snorts at that and Bucky feel himself go small. Chest tight and he place his hands between his thighs. “ No, not really.” he starts and looks down at his empty plate. “ ‘S pretty ...empty.”

 

Helifts one hand to grab his drink , tilting his head back getting the last drop of itand lifts his hand up , orders another one from the bar.  
  
He receives a nod from the waiter and turns his attention to his mother, she has her eyebrow pulled together.

 

To avoid her gaze ,He tries to busy himself and picks up the menu , looking at the dessert section but it’s being pulled away.

 

“No james.”

 

There’s not enough vodka in the world to stop making him feel like a kid again. Nonetheless , he still drains half his glass in a big swallow.

 

-

 

 

His jaw ache and he feels pathetic. He lets his head fall against the seat of the toilet and a sob makes it out of his mouth before he can really try to stop it.

 

He’s tired so he doesn’t try. He pulls himself together enough to rince his mouth, wash his face and flush the toilet.

 

His mouth feels dry and his throat tight.

 

He tries to softens it with water but it doesn’t work and he swallow with difficulty a tear running down his cheek. He march toward the kitchen by memory only as his whole apartment is lightless. He picks up his pack and sits on the table, brings his knee to his chest and rest his head there for a moment. he doesn’t close his eyes because the room is pitch black aside from the light of the streets coming from the the opened window.

 

He lights up a cigarette and rest his chin on his arms , folded over his knees.

 

“Fuck” he softly curse as more tears runs down his cheeks and he sniffles though the smoke.

 

He doesn’t remember how he starts thinking about it. Abouthow he failed again. Fails at making his parents proud. He thinks of how his mother snatched away the dessert menu from them , but managed to order herself and his father each one _crème brulée_.

 

He had watched them eat , bitter in his stomach and unconsciously finger gripping the rolls at his waist. His head had felt light headed and he looked around feeling like everyone’s eyes were on him , judging him.At some point , the degustation seeming to linger , he took out a cigarette and lit it. His father ordered a cigar to go with one last whiskey and his mother kept making comments about how good it tasted.

 

He could’ve ordered it , he was twenty four for fuck’s sake, he thought. But he didn’t.

 

He closed his eyes at the race of speculation running in his mind. _Quiet._ He begged himself.

 

His hand searches for the pack laying by his side and when he pulls it up he grunts when he realizes he doesn’t have any anymore. Smoked them all in one long chain.

 

He doesn’t hesitate as he pulls on a hoodie over his t-shirt, it’s only 11:30 after all,Brooklyn streets are always busy.

 

And the shops are still opened, he thank the lord for that one. He fishes into his back pocket for the crumpled bill of ten dollars and hands it to the guy. As soon as he have his change back , he stumble his way out , still drunk of the many drink he consumed during the night ( in addition to the two cups of vodka he served himself upon returning ).

 

As soon as he is under the light of the lamppost , he pulls the plastic away and tears the inner building off it and with shaky fingers he takes one out, plucks it between his lips and pats his pockets for his lighter.

 

He finds it and can’t decide whether it’s the cold or the thought that makes his limbs rattle in the night. All he knows as he lights up the stick, is that he runs into someone in his hurry to get back in his building where it’s warm and lonely.

 

“Sorry” He mumbles and looks up as the figure haven’t moved yet.

 

“You okay , kid?”

 

Bucky flinches..

 

 ** _kid_**.

 

“ i’m fine , ‘scuse me.” he hurries and counter the guy to leave and does just that, almost falling over himself two or three times, eyes hazy and blurred vision. His mind is racing and his fingers digs in the palm of his hand, shoved up in the front pocket of his hoodie.

 

Miraculously, he makes it back to his couch and throws his keys on the floor. Throws himself , back first, on the couch.

 

He feels pathetic all over again, how such a comment brings him to this state , he doesn’t have a clue. What he does know is that he passes out on the arm of his couch, cigarette dying in his hands and tears drying on his cheeks.

 

___

 

When he wakes up , his throat feels dry and his eyes are puffy. There’s sweat on his front shirt and on his forehead, his body aches all over and suddenly he’s clapping a hand over his mouth and the nearest thing is the kitchen sink , he lurches towards it and cough the last bits out , hand gripping tightly onto the edge of the counter.

His knuckles are red , but only on his right hand: the other’s are white.

 

So that answer the question of what has he done the night before.

 

He grabs a glass and fils it with water from the tap, tipping his head back to drink it all in one go.

 

His hearts hurts and he ignores it as he inhales more smoke, looking down the window at the passing people.

 

_At least_ **_they_ ** _got their shit together._

 

He grunts his teethat that and rolls his eyes moving toward his bedroom. He finds his phone there and picks it up to call back Sam , since he had 3 missed calls from him.

 

But a message on Facebook catches his eyes and his eyebrows pulls at each other as he read it.

 

 **Steve rogers **: Hey, i found your wallet last night, think you were in a hurry or something. Let me know if you want it back.


	2. Wine and talk

_“ ‘Course i do , he’s my best pal”_

 

Bucky makes a noise into the speaker and Sam chuckles. “ _Oh c’mon!_ _you know you’re my best pal too, my other half , my Buckaroo, c’mon man”_

 

he just snorts in response and looks down at his hand pushed into a bang of chips , but he doesn’t retrieve it. He clears his throat and rolls his head against his shoulder, letting his hair fall on his face. “ So.. it’s safe to meet up with him?”

 

“ _Yeah buddy, he’s nice, don’t worry”_

 

“ Okay.. thanks.”

 

He hears Sam chuckles , he asks. “ What?”

 

“ _Nothing”._ More chuckles.

 

“Sam”

 

“ _I swear it’s nothing”_ there’s a pause before he continues. _“You’re gonna like it is all.”_

 

 _“_ Like what?”

 

_“See you later Buddy”_

 

The lines cuts and Bucky sighs , he looks down at his screen as it flashes back to his contacts and he exits it , swiping his thumb till it lands on the Facebook app.

 

 ** _Steve rogers , 27 yo , lives in New york_** and yet doesn’t have any profile picture.

 

His profile says they have eight friends in common among them are Sam and Natasha. The world really is small , he thinks and feels the bottom of the bagrealizing he eaten all its content.

 

A shiver makes it up his neck and he stands up, hand fisted , shoves two fingers in his mouth and gags.

 

It doesn’t take long before he leans back against the wall , light headed and vision blurred. His breath is calculated as he tries not to choke. He stands on his knee just enough for his face to be at sink level so he rinses his mouth and plops down heavily, it almost knock the breath out of him.

 

He’s still breathing hard when he lights a cigarette and the smoke burns the back of his throat. But, it feels familiar and familiarity brings him comfort. Because he knows it will burn after purging and he knows it will feel dry when he swallows. Those are things he’s certain about.

 

He feels too lost in his head most of the time and to have something as certain as that _grounds_ him.

 

His stomach feels empty and he palms at his midsection, fingers digging into the layer of fat there.He realizes as he lays there with the smell of vomit and smoke on his side, that he needs to get going if he wants to be on time to reclaim his wallet.

 

 ** _  
_** His hand grip of the end of the sink and he pushes himself up. Dizziness clouds his brain and he coughs throwing the bum in the toilet as it flushes the content down. His hand comes to scratch at his throats , uneasy feeling there that makes his voice raspy.

 

He takesa moment to look at his phone and as it unlocks it lands on his conversation with _Steve._ He coughs some more as he reads it.

 

**_11:59 PM / Steve rogers_ ** **_:_ ** _Hey, i found your wallet last night, think you were in a hurry or something. Let me know if you want it back._

**_10:38 Am / Bucky Barnes :_ ** _I’d like that. Thanks._

**_10:40 AM / Steve Rogers :_ ** _Welcm, where can we meet?_

**_10:40 AM / Bucky Barnes :_ ** _Roots cafe , 3pm?_

**_10:41AM / Steve Rogers :_ ** _okay._

_It’s not a date_ , he reminds himself as he stands half naked, in front of his closet.

_Just wear whatever. It’s not like you’r-_

 

He closes his eyes. Not today.

 

__

 

 

He enters the store and automatically takes the hood off his head , if it’s freezing outside , the roots is warmed up to the max. He scans the room for someone, but who? he has no clue what the guy look like and the cafe is packed full. _He must look like such an idiot , standing there, eyes wandering around looking for nobody, just a pathetic-_

 

 _A_ hand waves in his directions and it clears his thought for a micro second before it’s back on full force. _No fucking way, This is worse than all the movies sam watches in secret grouped together. No way is_ ** _that_** _Steve Rogers, this is a fucking joke. Why the fuck is he coming over here._

 

“Hi” The blond , or really Steve ( Bucky has no doubts about it unless this is an actual joke planted on him) , says and grabs his hand to shake it. “ I’m Steve”

 

“Bucky.” He saysand Steve smiles. It almost makes Bucky smiles too.

 

Now that’s a superpower.

 

-

 

Bucky is awkward as hell in general, he has his moments of bravado from time to time where he’s bold and wild, but right now , siting in front of this specimen of human perfection, he can’t find it in him to even fake confidence.

 

He moves the palm of his hand over his knees over circular motions , hopes to look like he’s cold rather than completely terrified of engaging a conversation with the guy sat in front of him. Seriously, Bucky can’t get over how good he looks and thankfully the silence doesn’t stretch as the waitress come over as soon as they’re sat down.

 

“Good evening , are you ready to order?”

 

Bucky waits , a moment passes and he realizes that Steve is waiting for _him_ to order first. He feels a blush creeps up his cheeks.

 

“Black coffee, please.” he says , she nods , scribbles it on her notepad and turns to the blond.

 

“ café crème” he says and Bucky raises an eyebrow at him when the waitress leaves them on their own. The gesture is returned by a small laugh from Steve.

 

“Fancy way of saying coffee and cream.” He explains and Bucky nods a small smile on his lips , eyes never leaving their race at tracing every single features of the guy’s face.

 

“....let.” He hears and he tears his eyes away from where they ogled on his chest.

 

He blinks. “What?”

 

Steve gives him a funny look but there’s a hint of a smile in his tone as he continues, pushing the black case over to the brunet across the table. “ i said , here’s your wallet.”

 

“Oh.” Bucky takes it and for a brief moment his fingers closes over Steve’s. His hand is so warm against his own cold one and it fills his chest with a strange fervor.

A moment passes and Bucky realizes that his fingers are tracing the patters on the cover of the billfold. He looks up , realizing that his instant of contemplation has been accompanied by Steve’s gaze on him and feels the tip of his ear burn.

 

_Get yourself together._

 

The waitress comes back with their drinks and Steve smiles at her. Bucky wonder if he ever stops smiling.

 

_What a fucking horrible thing to think. The fuck’s wrong with you?_

 

Steve start talking to him, about the weather and the rain that fell early in the morning and in the middle of it Bucky accidentally knocks over the salt shakers and he pushes it back in its place with an unnecessary rapidity.

 

 _Stupid Stupid Stupid,_ he thinks when he casts a questioning look at him.

 

He apologizes again. Steve onlylaughs.

 

“You don’t have to apologize” he says between two breathy laughs and his voice warms up Bucky’s cheeks.

 

He mumbles an “ ‘kay” and his head jerk up when a thumb reaches under his chin and lifts it up. He didn’t even know he had it bowed down.

 

Bucky involuntarily but tentatively leans against the touch but forces himself to move awayand Steve retrieves his hand, smiles at Bucky who's cheeks burns and throat clogs up.

 

He doesn’t want to go , he really doesn’t but he feels like .... -he can’t stay.

 

“I gotta go” he blurts out and Steve frowns , he stands up a second after Bucky does , makes a move to protest as the brunet pulls 10 dollars out of his wallet but Bucky’s already talking.

 

“Least i can do” he says and pulls the sides of his jacket close and pushes the pin of the zipper in the retainer box. “ Thanks for the wallet” He hurries out as he zips it up and turn around.

 

He pushes his way against people and find it hard to breath. He’s halfway across the room , hand on the doorknob when one lands on his shoulder. He turns around and is being handed his beanie.

 

“Thanks” he utter out softly and Steve pats his shoulder.

 

“See you soon”

 

Bucky pauses then nods before he opens the door.

 

On his way back to his apartment there’s a McDonalds and he doesn’t hesitates before going in.

 

_

 

Bucky grunt and let his head fall back ,his fingers works over his cock, he racks his other hand’s nails from his navel to his chest leaving four red lines in their path and he twist his left nipple between his thumb and middle finger and moans as he does so.

 

He frantically moves his hand up and down his member building up his orgasm as pants leaves his mouth. His hand jerk to the side pulling at the skin of the head and he comes with a cry , back arching slightly , his fingers clutching the skin of his chest and he doesn’t loosen his grip until he stops moving his hips the longer his breath elongates as he tries to catch it.

 

He takes a deep breath in and let his hands fall by his sides, his forearm touches his hips and he shifts them away. He twists himself to the side and grab his phone pausing the music.

 

He reads a text on his screen.

 

**From : Sam**

**How did it go?**

 

The brunet wets his lips as he settles himself in a more comfortable position on his bed. A finger taps on the screen , the other one’s searching for his pack in the mess of clothes by his side.

 

He lights up one after hitting send.

 

**To :** **Sam**

**As usual , complete fool. Why didn’t you tell me that guy was the epitome of human perfection?**

 

He flicks his smoke in the cup on his table side when his phone lights up the darkness of the room.

 

**From :** **Sam**

**The epitome of human perfection says hi BTW. Joujn us?**

**join***

 

What the fuck.

 

**To : Sam**

**Wtf?**

 

**From : Sam**

**486 Halsey St, Lunatico. Coming?**

 

He contemplates it. whether going or not. He feels as if a weight is pulling at his ankles and so instead of swinging them off the bed and leap away to meet his friends, he tucks them under his blanket and pulls it over his shoulders, lets the butt fall from his fingers.

 

**To :Sam**

**Early class, See u tmrw**

 

-

 

His hands are dug deep in his pockets as he leaves his class. Could be Interesting but definitely boring to him at the moment. He tugs at his sweatshirt’s hood to cover more securely his head and marches toward the garden at the entrance of his university. It resembles a small park and Bucky has always loved it.

 

There’s a certain quietness that he likes to bask in , just enjoy a smoke and listen to music at his usual spot: The small bench that’s hidden by a cluster of plants and two big tree that brings shadow no matter the time of the day.

 

Except his usual spot is taken today: a couple is sat there exchanging saliva.

 

He rolls his eyes and turns around. Next spot is the one behind the library. It gives a view on a small backyard , unkempt and untidy but that just gives a natural chill vibe that Bucky is in desperate needs of at the moment.

 

He doesn’t vote for this spot during break usually , because it’s closer to the art department than his own university. Still, he just wants some silence and that small garden is bound to provide it to him.

 

As soon as he’s there he kneels on the grass andpushes his feet in front of him when his back collides with the wall. He places the thin cylinder between his lips and flicks his lighter.

 

At the first pull he closes his eyes and basket in the slight temporary dizziness it provides him. Having been in a hurry in the morning he hadn’t gotten the time to smoke one. He finished his class at 12, bored and in desperate need of a fag.

 

His stomach clenches in hunger, no time in the morning for that either ,and he retrieves a chocolate bar from his bag drawing in another smoke breath.

 

“Those things’ll kill you.”

 

Bucky snorts not looking up and unwraps the bar. “Which one?” he says in mockery.

 

He’s not anymore when the person snatches the cigarette away from his mouth.

 

“Hey man what the fu...Steve?”

 

He watches as the blond takes a drag off it and grimace. “Don’t know what you like about these” he spits and sits by Bucky’s side.

 

“Speeds the process.”

 

“Of what?”

 

 _Dying_ , he thinks. “ Relief “ He says.

 

“Ugh, here” he says and extend his hand.

 

“ No one forced you to take it.” He says and snatch it away from Steve’ taking a drag of it himself. He briefly consider how this is as close as it gets to a kiss. He shakes off the idea when Steve hands him a package.

 

“What’s that?”

 

Steve shrugs. “ Lunch”

 

He looks up and finds the brunet staring at him with pinched eyebrows. “What?” he asks and Bucky frown some more.

 

“You got me lunch?” he asks and Steve nods.

 

“Well not really , to be honest i have too much and thought i’d share.” He explains and unwraps his sandwich. “Plus, chocolate is not a meal.”

 

He watches as the other boy sets the packon the floor next to his uneaten bar and brings his knee toward his chest, taking a drag. “You should eat.”

 

“I’m not hungry.” He says. “ Thank you though.”

 

Unconvinced, Steve says. “Right.”and then. “ Why didn’t you come last night?”

 

Bucky side glance him and smirks. “ Why, Missed me?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

Bucky snorts and let his head roll forward on his shoulder until his eyes met Steve’s.

 

He’s beautiful and Steve’s completely out of apologies when he says. “Go out with me.”

 

He doesn’t missthe way Bucky averts his eyes and fix the floor instead and he’s quick to add. “ You don’t have to , i just thought it’d be -”

 

Bucky cuts him off. “Sure. Why not.”

 

Steve’s smile blinds him but he smiles too nonetheless.

 

-

 

He stares at his phone later that evening until he gets a respond to his text.

 

**From: Natasha**.

**30 min.**

 

Bucky sighs in relief and brings a hand up to his hair , pushing it back. His shirt’s big and reaches mid thighs , it belongs to someone else. He pulls on a pair of sweatpants so as to not startle the red hair when she comes. Although, he knows nothing one could do would ever startle the other one by now.

 

He’s glad he tidied up a bit and glimpses at the bin he knows is full of food wrappers and packaging. These last few weeks haven’t been the best and the results are all there.

 

He picks up the cover and places it over it.

 

He flashes a look at the time and goes to lean against his window , left thigh on the apron , right leg firmlyplanted on the floor. His eyes’s fixed on the taxi that just pulled by his building and he watches, smile on his face as a mop of curly red hair , closes the door and makes his buzzer go off.

 

-

“I still don’t understand what you’re afraid of.” Bucky watches as she takes a sip of her glass, she had retrieved the bottle of wine from her purse and went straight to grab two glasses after kissing his cheek. “ He’s nice, i’ve known him for a while. If he was a jackass i wouldn’t let you go out with him.”

 

Bucky shakes his head and set his cup on the table. “ I don’t know” he says as he lights up a cigarette. “ Maybe i’m scared once on the _actual_ date he’s gonna realize i’m not what he asked for.”

 

 

Natasha gives him a look. “ The fuck’s that even means?”

 

“Nat.”

 

“Bucky.”

 

“Seriously it’s like you and sam can’t see.” He accuses and leans back against the backrest of the sofa , pinch the bridge of his nose and exhale longly. “ He’s way out of my league.”

 

He feels Natasha pinch his arm and sides. “ There’s no league , dumbass.” She then apologetically smooth a hand on his side and he sucks in a breath.

 

“ case in point” he says and she rolls his eyes.

 

“He’s not like that.”

 

“Like what? Everyone?” he spits out and snort in disbelief at her before gulping down the rest of his cup in one go.

 

He keeps his eyes fixed on his glass in his hand , when hers grip onto his arm. She doesn’t start speaking until he rolls his face toward her direction.

 

“You can’t go living the rest of you life thinking people wouldn’t want you. You are pretty. You really are” she adds when he lower his gaze, shake his head andtake another gulp.

 

-

 

_“Look at you , James.” His mother says from behind him as he looks at himself in the mirror, arms crossed over him chest. “ None of these clothes fits you.”_

 

_He lowers his face , a mix of shame and self disgust washes over him ,and stare at the parquet of the changing room, various clothes arecluttered on the floor._

 

_“ It’s not normal for a fifteen year old to fit in a large.”_

 

_He tightens his arms around himself, his pulse elevates as his face drains itself of all color, his eyes are watery and his breath is shaky. She comes from behind and kneel a little, wraps her arm around him from behind , resting her chin on his shoulder. “ You’re so pretty.” She starts , a hand on his cheek._

 

_She retrieves it as she stands up. “ You’d be so much prettier though, if you lost some weight.”_

 

-

 

His eyes are open and his heart is racing, unconsciously his fingers are pinching and tweaking the fat at his stomach. It rounds in front of him as he lays on his side and he can feel Natasha’s hand coming to rest on his. She entertain their finger , cuddling him from behind, bending his arm gently until his hand is laying over his chest, away from his stomach.

 

He feels her press a kiss against the back of his neck and he sighs in contentment before closing his eyes. He can’t sleep and all he see is a reflection of a chubby young boy crying at his reflection as a door closes behind him.

 

Bucky tries to concentrate on breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear friends, please leave a comment it really helps me stay focused on a story.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, i promise i'll finish Freshman fifteen and windows.


	3. Gin & Mac and cheese.

Bucky’s shoulder are hunched , sat on a chair in the middle of a lecture. His brain is too focused on a particular fly that’s been floating around a guy’s hair to actually listen to what his professor is saying.

 

He does , clearly ,make the sound of a clapping hand and his shoulder deflates a bit as the teacher closes his laptop.

 

“I’ll see you guys in a week” He reminds and raises his voice as everyone gathers their possessions in a sea of noises. “ Don’t forget to send me that paper before Tuesday. It counts for a quarter of your final.”

 

Someone groans in annoyance and Bucky adjusts the collar of his jacket around his neck , tugging it up when the chilly wind grazes the exposed skin of his neck. He’s halfway toward his usual spot , thankful of it being a cold day meaning no one dared to leave the building ,except smokers, and he waves at a couple of them as he passes by.

 

The smoke leaves his mouth in a shaky breath as he closes his arms around himself trying to keep some of his body warmth trapped. Not much is going on in this time of year, it’s foggy and gray , the leaves have almost all fallen off the trees and are scattered on the floor. He pushes on one with his left foot trying to turn it over , suppressing the shiver that runs down his back.

 

 

“Having fun?” He hears and looks up, some dust fall from his cigarette with the movement but he doesn’t take it off his mouth , keeping his hands under his armpits. He grins and scoots to the side letting his friend sit by his side.

 

“I’m freezing to death , thanks.” He admits and watches as Clint laughs and tugs off his own scarf handing it to Bucky who shakes his head so hard the cigarette falls off his mouth and he curses as it falls in a puddle of water.

 

“Fuck me” He grunts between his teeth as he lights another one and immediately dig his hands down between his thighs.

 

Clint still wraps the shawl around his shoulder and Bucky rolls his eyes at him but stills tugs it closer to him. “ I may have a way to unfreeze you” he says and Bucky gives him a knowing side look.

 

“If you’re gonna mark me up like the last time , no thank you.” Clint laughs at that and apologizes.

 

“ ‘Got a little carried away.” he concedes and watches as Bucky pulls down the clothing around his neck showing the remains of hickeys spreading on his skin.

 

He pushes it back up as he shivers and plucks the stick back in his mouth. “A little ” he mocks.

 

“C’mon”. Clint says with a smile, extending an arm around his back and rest the palm of his hands on his arms. “ I’ll make you feel good”. He promises and watches as the brunet slowly turns toward him, their nose are almost touching and Bucky closes the distance placing his lips on the blond’s for a brief moment before pulling away.

 

“Can’t tonight.” He admits before letting out another shaky smoke filled breath, looking ahead in the distance.

 

Clint squeezes his arms and smiles at him before he retrieves them and stuff them in his coat’s pockets. “ Well.” He starts and turns to look where Bucky’s gaze is pointed. “ You got my number.”

 

-

 

“What are you gonna wear?” He hears his friend say as his hands trails over the clothes rack, finger brushing against different fabrics and he glances at her. “ You should get yourself one of those” She says hooking a finger under a shirt , bringing the hem of it up to her face as it still hung off the rack. She let it fall down and it swings as she leans against the wall opposite to it. “ Shows off your assets, you know.” she says and gives his butt a gentle slap , he returns the action with a squeal.

 

He gives her a warning look. “I’m not buying clothes for him.” He states , even though his heart flutter at the reminder of tonight being _a date_ , and she rolls her eyes , adjusting her sunglasses on her nose and pulling her lollipop out of her mouth to point it at him .

 

“ But you _are_ buying clothes. So why not get a little _wow china bowow_.” She sings swinging her hips in a suggestive notions and he rolls his eyes.

 

“Nat, i’m only gonna get _one_ coat. _Only_ one and _only_ because mines are too cold.” he says.  
  
_‘And too small’_ he thinks. He pushes the thought away, pulling back one of them to check the size. He hands it to her and looks for another one.

 

She hums as she places the candy back in her mouth and the coat over her forearm, holding it close to her chest. She comes closer to him, swaying her legs and wraps a hand on the small of his back giving it a small circular motions. “ Let me at least get you a new sweater.” She says winking at him through her glasses.

 

“ _Fin_ e.” he capitulates and she smiles toothily , the white sticks hanging between her teeth.

 

He looks down at her and grins , picking it up and placing it between his own lips tasting strawberry on his tongue.

 

“Gonna pull that move tonight?” She teases and watches him blush.

 

 

-

 

 

Bucky takes a deep breath and runs a hand up his hair staring down at his phone. His neck go cold and he suppresses a shiver that has nothing to do with the cold. He closes his eyes and feels them water slightly but he groans instead of letting it fall and picks up his phone from where it landed after he threw it away.

 

_“Hello.”_

 

His taps his foot repeatedly on the floor before he sniffles , pushing his hand under his nose. “Your offer still stands?” he asks in a hoarse voice.

 

There’s a small laugh on the other line.

 

“ ‘Course, _Be there in an hour._ ”

 

Bucky sighs in relief and nods, he ends the call and pulls at the hem of his sweater. The one Natasha chose for him. The one he was supposed to wear tonight. 

 

It was a blue cashmere sweater that has pattern sewed on it in cable knit. It is unbelievably soft against his skin and he wraps his arms around himself, tightening his grip as he circuit his way toward the kitchen.

 

He’s there and his hands automatically pull out the bottle of gin and a pack of kraft mac and cheese. It’s a family size and Bucky dumps the whole thing in the boiling water , swinging the bottle to his lips and takes a big swallow. He grimaces at the after taste and lights up a smoke, puffing in his kitchen. His hands grips onto the counter and he closes his eyes. He’s trying hard not to cry, Clint’s coming and if he sees his eyes he will ask what’s wrong and Bucky really , really doesn’t want to tell him that his date , Steve in case anyone forgot, the guy Sam spoke so greatly about , stood him up.

 

He took another sip and breathed in: He had been halfway across the street when his phone had buzzed. He’d taken it out expecting Steve to ask him where he was since he was 5 minutes late, but instead what he got was :

 

**From : Steve rogers.**

 

**Sorry , will need a raincheck on that date. ttyl.**

 

As he reads it again, he feels as cold as the text is. He pulls an arm around himself , gripping on his left side with his right hand as he stirs the milk and powder onto the noodles. He adds other different pieces of cheeses : Masdaam, Gruyère, Emmental. Whatever he could find in his fridge to turn the cheesy treat even more cheesier. He chugs on the bottle and pour the content of the sauce pan into a big bowl, Noodles are sticking to each other and he is sniffling as he sits at his table with both the bottle and the recipient.

 

He shoves huge bites into his mouth and his jaw works on breaking them down. His eyes are watery again when a piece of noodles lands on his pants. He picks it up and eats it anyway. He’s halfway through the bowl when he leans back and sighs. He’s full.

 

He doesn’t stop though, just pauses temporarily to smooth a hand down his gut , feeling the convexity of it. He thinks about Clint , how the guy never turned him down no matter how many time Bucky dismissed his offers.

 

He was one of his closest friends and with the benefits of getting to fuck him. He was hot after all.

 

Bucky’s shoving another forkful into his mouth when his buzzer goes off.

 

He groans as he sits up and doesn’t bother picking up the device to ask who it is , he knows who it is and he just buzzes him in , leaves the room and go back to the kitchen before taking one last bite and draining it with a cup of water , disposing of every box and plastic into the trash and pushing the nearly finished bowl into the fridge.

 

He wipes a napkin against his lips and sighs heavily , finally registering how much he ate and how heavy and distanced his belly felt under his fingers. He pushed himself off the counter at the sound of knocking and as soon as he opens the door, Clints’ frowning.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks and Bucky shrugs.

 

He places a hand on the back of his neck , tracing a pattern with his fingers into his blond hair. “ Kiss me” he commends and Clint complies, bringing his hand up to cup Bucky’s cheeks, closing the door with the heel of his foot.

 

“Did you eat pasta?” he asks between kisses and thought closed eyes as he moved backward , Bucky’s pushing him into his bedroom not breaking the trails of caress and make out.

 

“Shut up” he grunts as Clint nudges him on his bed and straddles his thighs, lips latching on his neck and Bucky moans softly, hands gripping on the back of Clint’s coat. He tugs at the ends of it until Clint stands up and takes it off , he grabs the back of his shirt’s collar, tugs it up and away , goes back to bite at Bucky’s neck making him moan some more.

 

His hand maps from Bucky’s shoulder down his body until he reached down to his belly, laying a flat palm on the rounded side of it. He pushed the hem inching it up and when Bucky only arches his back he pushes it away, all the way and Bucky hurries to take it off , his mouth half open as he pants into clint’s hair when the blond’s kissinghis chest.

 

“Clint .. oh fuck Clint” he moans and the blond hums in acknowledgment.

 

He grins when Bucky puts a pressure on the top of his head , pushing him down. He complies and goes to mouth at his jeans covered crotch but furrows his eyebrows slightly when Bucky’s hands cups his cheeks and pushes him up. Just a little bit , Clint follows nonetheless, looking up through his eyelashes at the brunet , letting him manhandle his face until he retrieves his hands from the blond’s cheeks.

 

When he looks down , his eyes are on Bucky’s stomach and he looks up to find him blushing and muttering out a soft “ please...”

 

Clint’s lips meet the warm skin of it immediately and he feels Bucky arch his back some moan, grunt escaping his throat. “Oh fuck.. oh fuck .. Oh-oh my god” he rasps out when Clint’s tongue licks from the top of his stomach to his navel and darts into it.

 

One of Clint’s favorite thing about Bucky is how vocal he gets when he’s worked up and Clint was determined to work extra hard. He pushes his hands up to grip at his sides, thumbs sinking into the soft skin. His mouth doesn’t stop shifting in different direction to lick at every inch of skin he can find and Bucky’s trembling underneath him, cursing and squirming , his teeth biting into his bottom lip.

 

“Fuck..” he moans and Clint kisses his way down, reaching the under side of his belly , letting his tongue swipe left and right, and making Bucky wiggle left and right under his grip.

 

He pops his jean’s button once he leans back and pushes them down , kicks them away with his feets and finds that Bucky’s is already tugging his down. Clint helps him removed it the rest of the way.

 

As soon as they’re off Clint leans down to mouth at his inner thighs and marvel at how they jiggle under his touch. “ How d’you want it?” He asks between kisses and watches as Bucky pushes himself on his elbows,this position accentuates the three rolls that forms at his waist, his chest shaped but soft resting on top of them. “ Don’t care” he says and turns around , presenting his boxer covered ass to Clint.

 

His hands are automatically attracted to those full cheeks and his massages them until Bucky cast a look back at him.“Getting in there or what?” he spits out and clint chuckles.

 

“Eager i see.”

 

The brunet turns his face and says. “ Man shut the fuck up and fuck me.”

 

“Yes sir , yes.”

 

His boxer are tugged down , and he extends his legs to help take them off. He feels Clint’s hands on his hips and he hands him the lube and condom, not bothering to check if Clint have actually put it on. He knows the guy and trusts him with everything.

 

he feels him circle his hole with his middle finger and gently push it into him. “Ah ah..”

 

Clint shushes him gently , rubbing a hand on his back as he pushes another one in and Bucky grasps the pillow in a tight grip. When the third’s one pushes in and out along the other’s Bucky’s rocking in his place and Clint steadies him with one hand as the other places his cock at the entrance and he watches as he penetrates him, how he goes tense before letting himself relax before tensing up again as he penetrates deeper.

 

Clint leans down and gives his left shoulder blade a kiss and he can hear from here Bucky’s soft moans. 

 

“Shh baby” he says and pushes in a little more. “ You’re good.”

 

Clint feel Bucky’s hand close on his and slides it around his waist to rest on his midsection.

Clint doesn’t question it and rubs circle in there as he backs out and pushes back in. Bucky lets out a shudder and his hand that was previously sprawled on clint’s hand goes back to support his weight on the mattress.

 

Bucky starts to rock along Clint’s thrusts , grunting and moaning , his face scrunched up as he gets closer and closer to the edge. Judging by Clint’s out pleas and moans , he’s not far behind.

 

“Fuck .. Bucky.. I’m..” He says with a thrust to each word and Bucky nods. Clint gets it andhe starts to thrust more frantically into him, his hand leaves his belly to mirror the other one and grip onto his hips instead.

 

Between their moans and whines it doesn’t long before Bucky comes ,he had always loved the sound of moans, Clint follows shortly after and catches his breath. He takes a deep breath, sighing and pulls out , pushing himself back as Bucky plops down on the bed on his belly. The blond pushes himself on his back, by his side and he grunts softly as he looks down at himself, picking off the condom , tying it , and placing it on the table side. He turns toward the brunet and lays a hand on the slightly damp skin of his back, he tugs gently at him until he grunts and moves to the side , pressing his back against the blond’s front and Clint settle an arm around his chest, bringing him closer.

 

Bucky turns his face toward him and Clint look down at his eyes, at his lips who’s bottom he pulls at with his teeth before leaning down and kissing him.

 

They stay like this kissing a bit until the twisted position tires Bucky and he pushes the side of his face back into his pillow. Clint rubs a thumb over Bucky’s arm and kisses his neck.

 

“Buck?”

 

“mm”

 

“Still got that pasta ?”

 

-

 

“It’s good.” He says and pushes the bowl toward Bucky who’s smoking by his side, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. “ Want some?” he asks and Bucky shakes his head.

 

“Already ate.” he says and inhale another puff of smoke.

 

“I know.” Clint teases , smoothing a hand down Bucky’s midsection and grinning fondly as the other blushes but doesn’t squirm away from the touch.

 

Still, he pushes a hand up the back of his neck , bashful as he apologizes. “ Yeah .. Sorry about that” he stops and lays the hand on his neck down to rest on Clint’s who was still rubbing with his thumb small circle on the clothed belly. “ Don’t know why i did it.” He admits. “Must’ve found it really ..weird.” He pushes in a nervous chuckle staring at his knees and Clint bring back his hand to himself.

 

Bucky looks up as Clint starts speaking, nonchalantly , casually bringing a forkful to his mouth. “ Not really.” He says , chews and swallow. “ You’re not the first one to pull that move, although , i gotta say , the other guy was _not_ cute like you” he winks and chuckles when the brunet rolls his eyes blushing.

 

“ No but seriously” He starts and bites onto another fork full. “ You don’t have to apologize” He says and swallows. “ I liked it.”

 

Bucky’s blush reaches his neck and he coughs , pushing the butt into the ashtray , eyebrows furrowed and pointedly looking down at his hands, folded on his lap. “ Really?” his voice is small and Clint smiles at him.

 

He pushes his hands under Bucky’s hoodie and slowly rubs small patterns on it , listening with his good ear as the brunet’s breathing pick up a pace. His fingers traces a path as they travel from his chest down to his navel, bumping into the pudgy rolls at his waist.

 

“Clint?”

 

“mm.” His eyes are fixed on the small exposed part of Bucky’s belly. The lower one ,the one that’s really soft.

 

His voice is unsure when he asks.“Is it a deal breaker?”

 

Clint looks up at the hoodie moving because of his hands underneath it. “ What is?” he pushes just to be sure and feels Bucky suck in a little.

 

“This.” he points at his stomach with a finger and fetch for another cigarette with his other hand.

 

Clint looks up at him. “ You want the truth?”

 

Bucky feels his throats clogs up but he nods , lightening up the stick and puffing facing the ceiling so as not to hit Clint’s face with smoke.

 

“Some people.” he starts and moves his hands from his front to his sides, fingers caressing the soft warm skin there. “ ..may not like it” he says and feels Bucky tries to suppress de tension building in his body to appear calm. But Clint picks up the distress anyway.

 

His palms runs over the skin in comfort and he continues. “ Others will not mind” he looks up at him and Bucky looks away. “ Some loves it” he finishes with a squeeze to his love handles.

 

“You?” he hears him asks and retrieves his hands to cup his face instead.

 

He rests his forehead close to Bucky’s and smiles at him. “ You are beautiful” he states and tug his face down when he starts to look away , making him look directly into Clint’s eyes. “You really are , Buck.”

 

“But.. what about this?” He asks in a brittle whisper and Clint looked down to see he had his own hand on the side of his belly.

 

“Doesn’t matter. Adds to the charm, you know.” he confesses and leans back to take another bite off the bowl. “ Plus, wouldn’t want you to lose that ass.”

 

In response he gets the swat of a hand on his arm.

 

-

 

In the middle of the night , Clint feel Bucky’s hand pushes at his own in the darkness of the roomand so he extends his arm , trapping Bucky’s side against his front as he lays on the side and Bucky’s on his back. He puts his hand on Bucky’s belly , thumb moving up and down knowing the other one’s blushing and he doesn’t stop his movement and curl his fingers on his plump sides until he hears Bucky’s breath evens out, signaling he has fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever , your comments means the worlds to me. Love Xx
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at @Buckysthighs134 to discuss chubby bucky and you can send me prompts if you want


	4. Gratin

 

“Nat” He calls after her but she doesn’t turn around, walks straight ahead. “ Natasha, c’mon please.” He shouts and walks in long strides behind her and even if she’s 5ft 4 : she’s fast and carries on her path , her arms folded over her chest . Anger fuels her steps.

 

He catches up to her and lays a hand on her shoulder , when she turns to him abruptly , he removes it and looks down at her , sinking his gaze into her eyes silently _begging_ her to give him the time. “Nat” he softens his voice but it doesn’t abate her glare.

 

“You better start making sense , Steve or i _swear_ to god i will never talk to you again.” she pits out and pursue her lips. “ You got 1 minutes. 1..2..3..”

 

Steve rubs a hand on his forehead, closing his eyes as she continues. “ ..10..11-”

 

“Enough!” He cuts, tone high and annoyed,opening his eyes and proceeds to sighs out when she complies and stops counting, her arms are still folded and her eyebrow rises in indignation. “ I had my reason.” he starts and she let out a bark of disbelief, gesturing with her hand for him to keep going.

 

When he doesn’t bug it out she says. “ Better lay it on me quick Rogers.”

 

He puts a hand up silencing her. “ Okay, okay enough with the threats.” He sighs again and lower his hand , pointing at a bench. “ C’mon let’s sit down.”

 

She tucks her chin in her chest ,turns on her heels and he places the palm of his hand on her arm as he guides her towards it.

 

-

 

**From : Sam.**

**Party at Tony’s tonight, 10 pm. Coming?**

 

**To : Sam.**

**Sure I’ll pick you up.**

 

Bucky puts his phone down and grabs his spoon instead , gathering a good amount of cereal in it , his cheeks puffing in their effort to contain and chew on all the sweet milk and chocolate bits.

 

“Yougot any eggs or something?” He hears Clint says when he opens the fridge and Bucky turn his face from the television to look at him from where he’s sitting down on the sofa.

 

“There’s cereal.” He suggests, lifting his bowl up to show him and Clint shakes his head before turning it and sticking it back into the cooler.

 

“Never fancied sweet things in the mornings” He says and shuts the door, leans against the counter topoor himself a big cup of coffee. He joins Bucky at the end of the room where the living room is and gives a view on the kitchen. “ Well..” He chuckles as he ruffles his head when he passes by and Bucky smiles and turns his attention back to the show displayed on the screen.

 

“Your sweet tooth must’ve rubbed off on me if i’m fancying you .” He accuses falsely and watches the brunet grins , a light blush settling on his cheeks.

 

“There’s a party tonight” He says, eyes fixed on the flat panel, tucks his feet more securely under his thighs as he’s sat crossed leg. “ At Tony’s. You wanna come?” he asks and lifts his eyes to briefly glance at Clint before he sets them back ahead of him.

 

 

The blond takes a moment to look at him, one eyebrow raised in amusement. He wasn’t lying the night before ,when Bucky was drunk out of his mind and he told him he was beautiful. He really was and Clint could see it even in the first hours of early morning with his hair disheveled around his face , the top of his cheeks pink and his eyelids heavy , eyes closing every now and then , arm moving only to tug a piece of hair behind his ears or bring the spoon between his lips.

 

“ Sure.” he agrees as Bucky lifts the bowl to his lips and drink the now brown colored milk. “Why not”. he adds and watches him set the bowl down, a small burp leaves his mouth.

 

“Nice” He hears him say and rolls his eyes fondly as the brunet stands up, bowl in hand and goes to the kitchen.

 

The distinctive sound of cereal pouring onto the ceramic bowl can be heard in the apartment.

 

-

 

His hand is sprawled against the soft material of his jumper, pushing against his stomach as he gags , face close to the toilet seat. He tries to be quiet but it’s a lost cause. He heaves a breath after more _lunch_ makes it out of him. He can still taste the tomato sauce in his throat and wince as the pasta sticks to his palate.

 

Spaghetti have always been the worst thing for him to purge on because of both the texture and acidity it turns into. But he had to, mainly because he remembers the two bowl of cereal he shoved down his throat , with a hot chocolate from the vending machine later when he got into his university and to go with it : a croissant he brought from the bakery on his way to school.

 

He hadn’t realize how much he had eaten until he had been halfway through the box of pasta he’d bought off the cafeteria and had counted the calories in his head. _-Too much too much too much-_ His brain had gone into panic mode and forced his limbs to move in order to throw away the box in the nearest bin and walk carefully , but very anxiously, toward the bathroom avoiding making eye contact with anyone, slaming all stalls open to make sure no one was there and going into the furthest one away from the door, letting his back bag fall to the ground and hastily shove his fingers into his mouth.

 

He doesn’t stop because he knows there’s still some left inside him and soon the mush turns from red and yellowish to black as the Oreo he forgot he’s eaten makes it out as well.

 

He has to move quick and so as soon as he spits into the bow and stands off his knees , vision blurry and dizziness spreading across his brain,he tears a bunch of paper from the toilet-roll hanging on the wall and cleans the seat, throwing it into the flushing water when he’s done and presses on the button.

 

His hand, the clean one, shakes slightly as he pushes it against the door , peeking his head out to make sure no one was there, and he’s relieved when that’s the case. He picks up his bag, throw it over his shoulder ,opens the tap letting the water trickle over his red knuckles and he stares at it , the abused skin that’s been scratching against his upper setof teeth. He lets his fingers trace a pattern over the bruises , lost in his thought.

 

It isn’t until the door open and two guys comes in that Bucky hastily bends down and rinses his mouth before turning the tap down and squeezing past them, his sleeve rubbing against his lips to dry them.

 

Once he’s back in the hallway he lets out a breath and can still smell the vomit on it, he tucks his chin into his chest as he walk, almost blindly toward the vending machine, inserts a few coins and waits for his coffee to brew. He picks it up with cold hands and moves to the other machine, the warmth is spreading over his finger , he taps a number he knows by heart now and bends down once the candy falls down.

 

He shrugs his left shoulder to adjust the strap of his backpack and moves toward the exits, pushing the biscuit into his pocket.

 

He’s a creature of habits, he thinks as he settles on the bench between the two trees and fishes in his pocket for his pack. He smokes one cigarette, sipping carefully on his coffee , wary of not burning his tongue and ignoring the hot beverage and smoke burning his throat. He pushes the butt into his pocket ashtray, the one Natasha got him, and tear open the plastic off the box of Oreo. There are four of them and as the first one melts on his tongue, he knows they won’t be enough.

 

And he’s right, once he’s eaten them and dumps both the plastic cup and the package into the nearest trash, he finds himself buying another one and another cappuccino. He finishes them on his way to his 1pm Class.

 

“Good Afternoon.” The professor says.

 

Bucky feels the warmth in his belly, all that hot milk and cookie settling in him, making him sleepy and so he closes his eyes.  
  
When he wakes up , someone’s poking at his arm and he looks up to find a mess of red hair. “ Nat.. What.. the fuck?” He groans and rubs at his eyes, opening one to scan the empty room.

 

“What time is it ?” he asks and she looks at her watch.“4:17pm” she states and he sighs. “What time d’you take off?”

 

He pushes himself off the chair with a grunt , pasty mouthed and feeling groggy. “ 17 minutes ago. Traitors left me to die in here.” He grumbles and stretches an arm over his head , the action lifts up his shirt and he jumps when cold hands sneak under it.

 

“God you’re so warm.” She says and lays her leftcheek against his chest , her hands caressing his sides.

 

He blushes and grabs her forearms , retrieving them away. “ And you’re cold as fuck” he accuses , trying to pass it on as nothing. She rolls her head back to look up at him and smiles before pushinghis hair out of his forehead.

 

“C’mon let’s go” she says and grabs his hand, leading him up the stairs.

 

-

 

“Smells good.” Natasha says later in his apartment as he turns off the oven.

 

“It’s also ready” he says and tugs down the window, putting on his gloves and retrieving the pan.

 

Natasha sits on a chair and pokes with her fork at the content of it until Bucky pushes her hand away. She sits back and is being handed a plate that she raises up as he cuts a piece. She asks. “ What is it?”

 

“ _Gratin dauphinois_ ” He lays out with an accent, mispronouncing it and slides the slice onto her plate. “ Or if you prefer : potatoes, cream and cheese.”

 

“That’s more like it.” She says sitting down and cutting a smaller piece with her fork, she holds it up at eyes level and size it up, a mess of cream , melted cheese and thinly sliced potatoes hangs between the tines , she shrugs and bring it to her mouth.  
  
She moans around the utensil. “ Fuck” She breathes out and holds her hand up to her mouth.

 

“Too hot?” He asks watching her with worry after he pushed his own slice onto his plates.

 

“ Too good ! ” She corrects and stuff another fork into her mouth. “ Bucky, this is amazing !” She announces in disbelief and amazement , He laughs taking a bite himself.

 

“Seriously , i might move in with you”

 

“ What about peggy?” He asks and swallow a drink of orange juice, wetting his lips he asks. “How is she by the way?”

 

Natasha takes a sip off her own glass and smiles at him. “ She’s good , She might come to the party tonight and you can ask her then if she’d mind me moving out of the apartment.”

 

He chuckles and throws a folded napkins at her. She sends it back and smiles at him as He cuts himself another piece. “ More?” he asks her and uses the spatula to gesture at the pan.

 

She shakes her head gently. “ Had too much at lunch” She explains and he nods at her in acknowledgment.

 

He settles back down on his chair and eats his piece, she lights up a cigarette and wander around the kitchen until he finishes. After scraping his fork against the plate , gathering all that’s left of the cheese and cream into it , he brings it to his mouth and proceeds to stacks their plates together depositing them in the sink.

 

He joins his friend at the window. She’s sitting on it , on leg thrown over and the other on the floor, he places his own hands on the frame, caging her in. She places a cigarette from her own pack into his mouth and lights it up for him, watching as his eyes squints gently at the heat of the lighter.

 

He retrieves one hand off the frame and fold it around himself , occasionally unfolding it to bring the stick back into his mouth.

 

They’re silently smoking their way through, two, three ( four?)cigarettes before Natasha’s pushing him into his room announcing. “ Time to dress you up” and he groans pouring himself and her,a glass of gin.

 

She takes the drink and he watches her with furrowed eyebrows as he settle himself on the bed, supporting his leaning weight on his left arm, the right one’s swinging his glass up to his lips. She pauses, a sight leaves her and she moves toward his closet.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asks and only keep on pulling shirts out of the closet. .

 

“Don’t worry about it.” She says and turn around to give him a small smile. She dugs her arm back in the clothes pile. “ Wear This.” She says andhands him a black jumper.

 

“ _That_ is **_not_** gonna fit.” He states and leans forward , taking the shirt from her anyway as she looks back for some pants.

 

“You haven’t tried it on.” She accuses and gives him a look before she turns around and hands him a pair of pants.

 

He chuckles humorlessly at the sight of it. “ _That_ definitely won’t fit.”

 

“Try them on.” She presses and takes his place on the band as he stands up. He pulls his shirt away and she whistle at his shirtless self to mess with him. It works because he glares at her and his cheeks gets a faint red hue.

 

He pulls the jumper on first, to hide it all he thinks even though he knows it’s Natasha and his friend will _neve_ r judge him. He still do it anyway and once the hem of it is down , he picks up his pants and tugs them up his thighs. The hems resists to meet for a moment and he grunts when he finally get the button to shove into the hole. He straightens up andsmooth a hand down his front , feeling the convexity of it as it slops over the waistband.

 

“Looks fine” He hears his friend say and he blushes as he remember her being there . In embarrassment , He sucks in a breath and pull at the hem closer , popping the button off the hole , already tugging them down his legs.

 

“I look like i’ll hurt someone with that.” He says and rolls his eyes when she chuckles.

 

“Wear the pants you wore today then.” She concedes and he shrugs.

 

“Why not” He pulls the other pants up his calves and as they slide easily over his thighs , he asks. “ What about the shirt? Too tight?”

 

His hands are on his waistband as he adjusts it over his belly. “ Looks good” She smiles and bring a hand to smooth the wrinkles of it at his front.

 

She retrieves it abruptly and claps as she remembers. “ Shoes!”

 

Bucky falls down , face first on the bed.

 

-

 

“ T’s good you made it , Buddy” The brunet says and clap a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Thank Tony.” He says and clinks their drinks together.

 

He watches him open his mouth and Steve cuts him before he says anything. “ I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Tony nods and pats his shoulder again, apologetically. “ Very well , then.”

 

A hand comes up to brush at the back of his neck and he smiles turning around and kissing his girlfriend. His hand is on her hips as he looks back toward the blond. “ Steve, buddy, enjoy the party. Be right back. Cool?”

 

Steve nods and raise his glass toward Pepper. “ Cool.”

 

He watches them leave toward one of the big rooms , Tony’s hand sliding down as he goes and he darts his gaze somewhere else.

 

It’s been long since he’s been at parties and he still doesn’t know what to do with his hands when left alone.

 

 

And so he’s relieved when another hand rests on his shoulder again, turning him around. “Steve ! My Man! You made it !”

 

He’d recognize that voice anywhere and he turns around , bringing his hand up to tug Sam closer to him in a hug. “ T’s good to see you.” He says and Sam laughs.

 

“Long time , no see , huh?”

 

Steve nods as he sighs and looks down at his drink. “ Something like that.”

 

The brunet watches his friend a moment and moves his hand away to clap them together .“Let’s find me a drink.” He declares and Steve follows him to the bar.

 

There’s an actual bar , not just a kitchen counter filled with bottles, but an actual bar where the bottles are set on shelves hung on a concave wall.

 

He picks up one heineken from the cooler and hands one to Steve who chugs down his drink and grabs Sam’s offering.

 

“ Thanks.” He says and Sam leans against the counter eyeing him.

 

“So” He starts and Steve already know what’s coming. “ You met Bucky.”

 

Steve nods and looks away. He’s not in the mood to have that conversation and Sam sighs , looking ahead himself.

 

“Man look” He starts and opens the palm of his hand. “ It’s none of my business but i gotta admit : you _owe_ the guy an apology.” He points out and bring the bottle to his mouth.

 

Steve sets his behind as he contemplate the front door.

 

“Right.” He murmurs , ignoring Sam calling his name as he walks ahead and marches toward the brunet and red haired girl who just walked in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and taking the time to let me know what you think. It means the world to me. Xxx


	5. Vodka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever , Thank you guys for reading and commenting leaving kudos and stuff, it really makes my heart flutters when the shit i write is being appreciated. 
> 
> Love Xxxx

As in every party, there’s music high enough to deafens you , people ready to bump into you but Steve doesn’t mind any of them as he’s too busy aiming his attention at his friend with eyebrows furrowed in concern as she licks her lips and turn toward the brunet.

 

“Peggy” She says. “ Go get us some drinks , hmm?”

 

She bends down and kisses her on the lips, caressing her cheek as she leans back and winks at Steve. “ Sure thing love.”

 

Natasha watches her go for a moment until the wave of people dancing closes on her and she’s no longer in her sight. She then turns toward the blond and raise an eyebrow.

 

“Where?” he asks again and she rolls her eyes , folding her arms over her chest, accentuating this way the push of her breasts.

 

“Did you apologize ?”

 

He throws his arms in front of him. “ Why the fuck d’you think i’m here?” he questions and lets his hand fall back down as he sighs. “ I was hoping you’d bring him”.

 

She nods and looks down at her nails. “I did bring him. We picked up Sam on the way.” She explains and grab a drink from one of the trays that’s passing by.

 

Steve turns toward the bar in confusion, Sam’s still there chatting away with a blond guy with spiky hair and a bandage that’s wrapped around his left bicep. “ I was just with him earlier.” he murmurs and she manages to pick that up despite the cacophony surrounding them. She shrugs and points her drink toward one of the windows.

 

“Well” She starts and takes a sip. “ He’s a smoker , so i’ll test my chance there.”

 

Steve glances at the balcony and a grateful small smile makes it onto his features. He leans down and plants a kiss on the space between her parted hair , a little above her eyebrows before he hurries toward the glasses as she rolls her eyes and turn on her heel following Peggy’s path.   
He’s apologizing as he collides shoulders and hips into people dancing and drinking around him. He arrives to the window and slides the sash to the left. Cool air hits his face and naked arms, a shiver makes it up his spine and he suppresses it , locking the door behind him. Tony’s balcony is bigger than his own apartment.

 

There seems to be two parties at this point, inside party and outside party. There are so many people on the structure that Steve feels slightly uneasy thinking about how much the mezzanine can hold.

 

He tries to push the thought away as his eyes scans the faces lit by either the flame of the lighter or the light coming from the opposite room.

 

He’s startled when a head pokes out between the frames and yells. “ Quick everyone! Body shots are **_on_!”**

 

He barely gets the time to scoot aside as everyone hustles towards the egress. Well.. Not everyone: One person is still leaning against his forearms on the handrails, body bent slightly so as to hunch over it . The hoodie’s still settled on his head, hair framing his face as he gives the blond a side glance before turning back toward the scenery of the city’s night light that’s shadowing on his features.

 

Tentatively Steve approaches him, fishing his hands into his pockets as he hates for the silence between them to linger. He rests his back against the edge and watches as the brunet lifts up a hand to take a puff out of a cigarette, letting the smoke flows around his face as the wind brushes his hair sideway.

 

 

“Not interested in body shots?” He asks, trying to lighten the mood but it doesn’t work asthe brunet only tenses some more and Steve sighs and resigns.“Bucky?” he calls.

 

Bucky shrugs his shoulder, effectively making Steve retreat his hand back and look hurt.   
_Good_ , he thinks and puffs some more on his cigarette.

 

“ What d’you want , Steve?” he says and sees in the corner Steve digging his hands into hisown pocket , tucking his chin into his chest as he takes a breath in.

 

“I wanna apologize.” He says , honesty clear in his voice.  
  
Bucky doesn’t hear it and he doesn’t spare him a glance as he throws the butt from the balcony and mutters out. “ Leave me alone” Before sinking his hands into his pockets , marching toward the left open window.

 

-

 

People are cheering and clapping around her as she dips down, darts her tongue out and lickat her girlfriend’s hips to taste the salt and then takes the shot that’s between her breasts into her mouth and throws her head back. She swallows and sets a kiss on her neckbefore leaning back and taking the lime from her mouth , throwing her arm in the air when everyone starts clapping more loudly.

 

Natasha tugs peggy’s shirt down to cover her navel and leans back down to kiss her mouth. She feels the brunet’s hand grip her hair and she smiles into the kiss , sedated by the many shots she’s taken , a feeling of euphoria washes over her as she throw her arms aroundher waist, tucking her head into her neck, scenting her perfume. Peggy’s always smelt like vanilla and coconut,her mouth tastes like lime though. She doesn’t spare a thought about any of the people surrounding them and she lifts her off the table and pushes a hand down cupping her ass, feeling her arch into the touch, a quiet whine makes it out of her and the red hair closes her eyes in delight.

 

“I need you” She hears her say and Natasha nods, leaning back enough to kiss her and enough to grab her hand as another person’s being poured salt on their exposed thigh. Tony throws her a set of keys as she runs by , and she salutes him with a finger to her temple before he goes back to conversing with Bruce, common friend of theirs.

 

There is not enough time in the world, it would seem, and Peggy’s rutting against her back as Natasha insert the keys into the door. She unlocks it and pushes the brunet inside.

 

-

 

“... And so i told him it doesn’t matter because the guy’s an idiot. You feel me?”

 

Clint can only nod as he stares at Sam rambling. “.. So i punch him in the face and he tackles me down , like , dude _c’mon_.” He laughs and opens another beer handing it to Clint from where he’s leaning on the bar’s counter. He continues with his own newly opened beer in hand, elbows resting on the edge as his back hit the overhang. “ I mean, fighting’s like sex you know what i mean?”

 

Clint shakes his head in amusement and confusion and instead of responding, clings his bottle with Sam’s, which seems to be enough of a response because Sam’s smiling and drinking again.

 

Clint turn his face to rest his chin on his shoulder as he looks at the end of the room , he seems a door closing as a mass of long brown hair leaves behind it and someone’s tapping on his shoulder. He turns to look at the other side and smiles.

 

“Having fun?” He asks and the other person shakes his head.

 

“I need vodka.”

 

-

 

He doesn’t know how look he stood there, deep in thought, his mind railing with assessment and thinking, trying to come up with a solution to whatever the universe’s brought into him.

 

“Everything’s okay there?” He hears and lifts up hishead to see spiky blond guy handing hima beer . His chest’s against the handrail Bucky was leaning on earlier and , he too, stares at the metropolitan’s glow.

 

He takes the bottle, tipping his head down in giving a silent ‘thank you’. He leans back onto the edge and fight the urge to look down at the , it seemed, bottomless city. His hands shivers at the thought and he leans back from it.

 

“ You’re Steve, Right?”

 

Steve looks at him a moment and raise an eyebrow. “Judging by the way you say it , i better be off saying no.” He says and chugs half his bottle. “ But yes , i am.”

 

“Clint.” He says and Steve shakes his extended hand. “ Clint Barton.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” He trailsfrowning when Clint’s still holding his hand. “Wha..?” he starts to question and stops when Clint’s eyes fixes his.

 

“He’s in the bathroom.” He says ,finally releasing his hand and marching away , head tipped back as he chugs the last of his beer before setting it on the floor , opening the window and disappearing in the abundance of light and heads.

 

Steve acts on his world, despite being confused he decides that even if that Clint guy was fucking with him or not making any sense, it was still better than freezing out in the night of late November.

 

As he walks , he _feels_ the change of scenery. He must’ve spent a long time hidden in the balcony , wallowing in there , because now people are drunk out of their mind, engaging in sessions of make out and grinding onto each others, dancing and laughing leaning on each others.

 

“ Don’t bother.” Bucky rasps out when he enters the bathroom and his head’s between the toilet. Steve closes the door and kneels behind him , tucking his hair back as he vomits. “ I’m a fucking mess.” he groans and Steve chuckles lightly.

 

“C’mon Pal” he says and feels the brunet tense under his hand when he places it on his back to smooth it in big circles going from the waistband of his pants to the back of his chest. “ You just drank too much, it’ll be fine.”

 

Bucky spits into the bowl and stands up, closing the lid of the toilet after he flushes the water and sits on it. His hair frames his face as he hung it down and Steve feels sick too at the sight of him like this. “Thought it was Clint.” He hears hims says , softly, music covering his tone but just barely as it’s muffled by the door. He hears him sniffles and sees him bring a hand up to wipe at his face with his shirt’s sleeve.

 

Steve get closer on his knee, until his hands are on the brunet’s patella. “Clint said you were here” he says and cups his face when a sob makes it out of him.

 

He’s taken by surprise when Bucky lifts his eyes and they’re glassy , his expression mirroring sadness to the extreme. The brunet shrugs his head away from Steve’s hand as they’re still hanging in the air , emptiness colliding with his palms when Bucky leans back, resting his back on the back of the toilet, and he lowers them back to ret on his own thighs.

 

“What is it ?” he asks in a brittle voice “That made you back down on it?” he adds and wipes at his philtrum with the back of his hand.

 

His eyes are back on his knees, avoiding the blond’s concerned gaze on him. “ I mean , _what_ is it that made you _want_ to... to abandon me there?”

 

His voice has picked up some of the anger he’d left in the balcony and Steve crouches even closer , He lays his hands on Bucky’s as they are sprawled on his thighs. “Bucky..” He starts but the brunet shakes his head and laugh humorlessly “ Fuck that”, and stands up , almost knocking the other one back but Steve has enough reflexes and speed to stand back on his feet before Bucky’s hand closes on the doorhandles.

 

“Bucky _please_.” he says and he watches Bucky glare at the handhe has laid on his forearm keeping him from leaving, but he doesn’t retrieve it this time. “ Just give me a chance to explain myself.”

 

Bucky’s arm is still in Steve’s grip when his shoulder go lax and he looks away, somewhere behind Steve, The light’s reflecting in the blue of his eyes as he looks up at the blond andsays, a tone of anger and a lot of disappointed in his voice. “ Why?”.

 

Before Steve even has the chance to speak , Bucky’s shaking his head and says under his breath “ Fuck this” and tugging at his arm to free it but Steve doesn’t budge.

 

“ Fuck you.” He spits out. “ You’re really only trying to clear your conscience. So .. _Fuck. you._ ” He repeats and tug at his hand some more punctuating his words.

 

Steve barely register a thought to point out how Bucky’s making any sense in the state he’s in: stumbling on his feet , disoriented from the amount of alcohol running in his body. But it doesn’t matter because he’s bringing his other arm around his shoulder and tugging him in , Bucky has his hands up against Steve’s chest, pushing him away but Steve doesn’t move an each and holds him. He just holds him closeand soon , Bucky’s push go weak and his hands are fisted in front of him but his cheek’s damp against Steve’s collarbone. “Why..” He murmurs faintly and Steve puts his chin on top of Bucky’s head.

 

“ Something came up and-”

 

Bucky’s pushing at his chest again. “ Everyone says that!” He nearly scream and his voice breaks. “ Something came up. S _omething came up?_ Just say you didn’t want to go out with me!” He flares up and push with enough force to make Steve move his hands from his back to his arms . He’s still holding him close , but far enough for them to stare at each other’s face. Steve’s is worried and Bucky’s is exemplifying anger.

 

“I had to go to the hospital” He finally says, voice loud enough to cover Bucky’s fuss and then he’s silent and so is he and the only sound resonating against the white tails of the walls are the music and Bucky’s soft voice saying: “ What?”

 

Steve’s eyebrows are still furrowed and his grip loosen but the brunet doesn’t try to move away this time. “ My mum got sick , and i took her to the ER.” He explains and watches Bucky’s eyes searches into his with furrowed eyebrows.

 

“Is-Is she okay?” He asks and Steve looks away briefly before his eyes are back on Bucky’s face as he answers.

 

“Yeah, she’s fine now.” He rubs his palms against Bucky’s arms. “ Just.. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He struggles to find the words. “ I wanted to go out with you.” He says and adds.“I still want to.”

 

Bucky’s looking at the floor now. “ I’m sorry.” He whispers and Steve caress his shoulders for a moment before bringing him back into his chest , holding his face close to him with a hand on the back of his neck.

 

“Don’t be.” he says and means it.

 

“I’m sorry” he repeats and Steve only tightens his arms around him, feeling all the fight leaves his limbs as he tucks his nose into Steve’s neck.

 

-

 

The sun’s shining bright as it filters through the curtains. He barely record where he is , but finally his eyes focus enough to recognize the white sheets and grey furnitures of his bedroom. His head throbs and his eyes close in pain.

 

As a habit, his hand pushes against the top panel of his bedside searching to retreat a cigarette, but his palm closes on a piece of paper and he squints his eyes open as he reads it.

 

_There’s aspirin on the table. Take it. -SR_

 

The note’s still in his hand, after he’s read it three time ,when he pushes himself off the mattress on his elbow and looks to his side. Sure enough there’s a glass of water and a round white circle next to it on a napkin. Bucky let it fall into the water and watches it froth up before he’s laying back down, grunting as he lays his head in the pillow with closed eyes.

 

His hand runs up from his stomach to his chest and his cheeks blush when he sees he’s not wearing last night’s jumper. Instead he’s not wearing anything. Aside from a pair of sweatpants.

 

He can’t recall whether Steve was there during the whole stripping down after a night out and he hopes he wasn’t because as he sits upright against the bed frame, he can see the mounds of his belly , the rolls that gathers at his waist in this position.

 

He finds his pack on the floor next to a pile of clothes and lights up one before he’s bringing the glass to his lips and downs the medicine, grimacing at the taste.

 

As he pushes it back along the surface of the table, his phone’s light ups and a notification is heard , he scowl at the sound, picks it up and reads.

 

**From : Steve Rogers.**

 

**When you’re awake, let me get you some coffee.**


	6. Twitter or tumblr

So.. college and work have been crazy and life too tbh so i haven't really had the time to actually write anything besides drabbles for later.

I will have vacation soon and i owe you all an apology for the wait, idk if you wanted the rest but if you did, i'm sorry

I will finish it , i promise i have the plot for it and everything

In the meantime you can come and hang out with me ( please do it , your insight and ideas are so important to me ) under Tumblr @Buckysthighs134 or Twitter @BuckyBabyBoy 

Love, Z


	7. Caramel latte.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait <3

_ “ No.” _

 

_ The small child closes his eyes for a second before holding gaze up with his mother. It’s the third time this month he’s been told that. This time he asks why. _

 

_ His mom sighs , like she’s tired of hearing about it. It’s the first time he’s asked why. “Why?” He asks again and she glares at him. _

 

_ “ ‘ Cause i said so.” _

 

_ It’s enough of an answer that he finds himself sinking back into his chair, clutching his sides harshly in his hands, crossing his arms. _

 

_ “Bucky..” _

 

“Bucky ! ”

 

Bucky looks up startled and finds Steve’s confused glance on him. He clears his throat and adjust his position, arms still crossed. “ Sorry.” He trails off. “ what?”

 

“ You kinda. Spaced out.” He explains and Bucky nods. “It happens.”

 

Steve nods. “ Right. So , like. I was just saying thanks.” 

 

Bucky frowns at him and sip his drink. It’s a latte with caramel in it. Steve didn’t show his judgement when the server came with it , topped with a healthy scoop of whipped cream, along with Steve’s espresso. Bucky still felt like ducking his head in aprehension. 

 

It tasted good , though.  “ Thanks for what?”

 

Steve gives him a funny look, like they’re on the same side of the joke. No judgement again. It frustrates Bucky. “ Coming here.” He explains.

 

Bucky forces a smile. He can’t tell what’s Steve’s game is. He stood him up, but then it was because of his mother. So he gets that, he still feels betrayed. Bucky says it’s nothing and Steve visibly relaxes, the brunet casts a look at him and immediately regrets it. He looks.. good. Jesus, If Bucky knew he’d feel this puffy and bloated when sat in front of this specimen of perfection - Sam still rolls his eyes when Bucky calls him that- he would have refused meeting here tonight. Still he’s accepted. 

  
  


At first, he’s ignored Steve’s message, wandering around in his apartment , hangover, hungry and throwing up everything he’s eaten the night before. He doesn’t remember eating all of it, but the content of his toilet confirms it. 

 

He’s sat down on his couch for the good part of the weekend before being alone made it impossible for him to sit still. He’s texted Steve then. 

 

**6:09 pm To : Steve rogers.**

 

**Sure.**

 

**6:38 pm From : Steve rogers.**

 

**Thank you, let’s meet at the roots, 7pm?**

  
  


**6:39 pm To : Steve rogers.**

 

**Yes.**

 

Now , he briefly consider how wallowing in his loneliness for a few more hours before going to sleep - or going to sleep right then and there- would've been better. It’s not that he’s not enjoying Steve’s presence. Steve’s a fine guy, but it’s  _ that.  _

 

He’s a  _ fine _ guy. Why, why is he here? Why is he insisting on coming here….with him?

 

Bucky hears him apologize and he nods, throwing a small reassuring smile - “It’s fine , steve i get it. Family is important”- He doesn’t believe a word of it but he’d say it again if it’s to see Steve’s eyes ease in their worry. He watches him bring a hand tentatively across the table, it’s a few inch away from Bucky’s and Bucky blushes - and he hopes he’s reading this well- brings his hand near Steve’s. Their pinkies are touching and Bucky tighten his hold on his jacket’s zipper. 

 

It’s Steve who links those two fingers together, before taking Bucky’s smaller and cold hand in his big palm. The warmth of it seems to travel all the way up to his face and he doesn’t know if he wanna loosen up on the grip he has on his clothes or if he wanna grip harder. 

 

He can’t even acknowledge which one it is he’s doing right now, too focused on Steve’s hand and the way his thumb traces patterns on his knuckles that are less prominents than Steve. 

 

Bucky brings his eyes back up and feels the flush reaches the tip of his ears. He wants to take him home. But he’s not ready for him. Not yet, he doesn’t wanna screw things up. Clint may be into it, But .. He can’t be sure about Steve.

 

“You alright.”  He hears and he nods slowly. “ Wanna go for a walk?” 

 

Bucky shrugs but he’s already pulling out his wallet. Steve pushes it down and slides a bill across the table in the waiter’s direction , doesn’t wait for change and pull his jacket back on his shoulders. He smiles as Bucky gets up and he leads him out of the restaurant with a small hand on his back. 

 

The night’s chilly and Bucky’s glad he has an excuse to zip his jacket. His arms are crossed and they walk in silence , Steve looks up occasionally at the moon and back down at Bucky, his hands in his pockets.

 

“You know what i first thought when i saw you?” he says and Bucky smiles.

 

“Think it’s illegal to be this sappy on a first date Steve.” He says and smiles some more when Steve laughs. 

 

“Glad you think, know this is a  first date.” He says and lays a hand on Bucky’s shoulder as he looks up at him. Steve slides his hand down Bucky’s arm and Bucky shivers. Steve smiles like he can tell and Bucky blushes some more. “ I thought you were beautiful.” He explains and Bucky fake raising an eyebrow out of disbelief. 

 

“Well thank god i’m not too hard on your blue eyes.”

 

Steve leans in and Bucky realized they’ve stopped walking a little while ago. “ Not too hard at all.”

 

Bucky uncrosses his arms and holds Steve by the belt’s loop. He knows now, and if this is what Steve’s been waiting for, been aiming for all along , then Bucky can be on game with it too. It doesnt matter that this is not the outcome he would have wished for and he leans up as Steve leans down.

 

“Mines closer” He says and try not to feel his heart hammer in his chest. Steve doesn’t hold him by the waist , bring their front closer, bite on his lower lip or hold the back of his head. What he does, makes Bucky’s heart sinks deeper in his chest. He closes his eyes and lets Steve’s tender and gentle kiss brush against his lips. 

 

_

 

Bucky  slams steve against the back of his door. He grips his jacket and tug it down, do the same for his and Steve hooks his leg up around his waist. He tries to lift him up but Bucky pushes at him again so he’s stumbling to the bedroom. 

 

Steve thinks he looks so , so beautiful. His long hair are framing his face and some strands cast a shadow on his nose. Steve jerk his shirt off and Bucky’s kissing him again. He’s laid back on the bed, and Bucky’s knees are pushing into his thighs. It’s a bit painful but he doesn’t voice it out, not wanting to ruin what they have at the moment. Bucky lets out a little noise when Steve’s leg jerk up and brushes between his legs. Steve smiles into the kiss and moves carefully to flip them around. He helps Bucky take off his jacket and he’s kissing him again. Bucky’s hands are everywhere, on his back, his sides, the back of his neck. His kisses are messy and breathy. Steve doesn’t stop kissing him, kiss his neck and jaw as he takes off his own jeans, his knee pushes Bucky’s thighs open and he looks down at Bucky’s hands as they fumbles with the fly of his jeans , tugging the end together to open them and he kisses the exposed part of his chest over the neckline of his shirt. His hands wander down to take it off but Bucky slams his against his, stopping him. He’s back to kissing him and arching his back, pushing Steve’s hands down till they find the waistband of his jeans and he complies, taking them off. Bucky pushes at the end of them where they catch at his feet and he’s back on top, grinding down on Steve’s hard dick. The blond moans into the kiss and pushes him back down, this time Steve’s hands dives under his shirt and Bucky makes a noise. 

 

He doesn’t try to stop him this time but Steve can tell Bucky would rather keep his shirt on. He leans down and kiss his lips , tenderly again. He rolls his hips against his and Bucky moans , arching his back.

 

“Steve, Fuck.” 

 

Steve grunts when Bucky’s hand comes down and grabs Steve’s dick through his boxer, Steve looks up and finds Bucky’s looking at him. He’s cranning his face against his shoulder and the position makes the little double chin - Steve couldn't help noticing it.- more prominent. Steve bites Bucky’s lower lip. 

 

He makes no ceremony of taking both their underwear off. 

 

He makes no ceremony of taking the lube from Bucky’s hand and sink two fingers in, circling his way there for his dick to follow. 

 

Bucky lets out a hiss and a breathy moan , closing his eyes and opening his mouth, nose scrunched up, hair devilished against the bed. He was beautiful.

 

Steve fucks him slow and steady, loving to draw Bucky’s breathy noises he makes as he bites his lower lip and he bask in the warmth and softness of him.

 

He can’t help -as he gets closer and closer and Bucky’s breathy noises are more like little shouts that he’s muffling in his forearm, looking up at him with wide glazy eyes, eyelids heavy - but let his hand run up his thighs, hip, and rest on the side of his belly, gently gripping the excess skin there. 

 

Bucky shouts as he comes and Steve follows shortly, breathing harshly into each others neck.

 

A minute later, steve’s still cleaning himself up when Bucky comes back and shyly hands him a  water bottle. Steve his other hand is holding his own water and a lit cigarette. Steve can’t help but smile as he takes him in , the messy hair , the oversized shirt he’s worn that cover his boxers entirely, letting just the thickness of his thighs shows. It covers all the curves of his body - steve had spent a good time mapping them - and He takes Bucky’s hand into his, leading him to the bed. 

 

Bucky kneels on the bed and let his cigarette in his mouth as he ties his hair up. Steve can’t tell if it’s a bun or a ponytail, either way , it looks good and Steve finds himself a little more infatuated with him.

 

He lays a hand on Bucky’s thighs as he takes a drag. Bucky looks at him and Steve runs a hand over his cheeks that are slightly pink.

 

“You’re beautiful.” He murmurs like he can't help himself.

 

“It’s still illegal.”

 

He smiles. “Doesn’t change what i’m thinking.” Bucky smiles too and looks away as he takes another drag.

 

-

 

Steve’s arm curls one last time around Bucky’s waist as he brings him closer and kiss his cheek. “ I’ll see you tomorrow” he reminds Bucky and he nods.

 

Steve releases him , smoothing his hair back and Bucky shyly waves at him as he disappears down the stairs. 

 

Bucky , for the first time, smiles dumbly in the loneliness of his apartment.


	8. Cookies and Beers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little late chapter and i’m really sorry for the wait. To everyone who’s been following the story, i promise there is a plot and that we’re getting there. Thank you so much for reading and letting me know your feedback, it means the absolute world to me.

“ And .. you just do what exactly?” Bucky asks, squinting his eyes at Sam.

 

“ I don’t know man. It’s a trend. Remember that gluten free diet people used to do even though they didn’t need to?”  Bucky nods. “Well, it’s the same. You cut carb off , down it to 30 g a day and supposedly you lose body fat.” 

 

He nods again and licks his lips. “ And.. you’re doing it , because?”

 

“ i’m not doing it.” The brunet says and shrug leaning against his seat. “ My girlfriend is. It’s driving me fucking crazy.” 

 

“ Why?” Bucky asks after a chuckle, pulling the hem of his sleeve over his knuckle. 

 

“ There’s no doughnuts, no more sunday brunch, beers.. Beer, my man. Beers. Beers ain’t gonna contaminate her veggie salad. That’s just utter bullshit.” He exclaims, running a hand down his face. 

 

Bucky sits up a little straighter and leans back too, crossing his arms over himself. “Does it work?” His voice sounds too hopeful to his own ears. 

 

Sam shakes a shoulder and leans over the table, snatching his juice off it and takes a long sip till he’s slurping noisily at the last drop, sucking on air. “ yeah it works.” He says and sounds regretful. “She lost ten pounds. She’s happy. So i’m happy for her...But i need my beers”

 

His whining does nothing to deter Bucky’s mind in its line of thoughts.

 

“ -cky”

 

“What?”

 

“ Lost you there for moment Bud”

 

Bucky licks his lips and tug at his hair until they’re tucked behind his ears. “ Sorry, i was.. thinking.” He sighs and asks. “ How long did it took her?”

 

“ One month.” A silence settles. “You gonna try it?”

 

Bucky looks up startled, he licks his lips and asks. “ no?”

 

Sam leans back against the cushion and inhale. “ Good.” He states with an exhale. “ i’d hate to come over and not be offered beer.”

 

Bucky chuckles and shake his head. “ There’s always beer for you.”

 

Sam laughs and raise his glass. “ Cheers ,baby.”

 

-

 

_ Nutritional value : for 100g _

_ Cal: 30 _

_ Carbs: 2g _

 

His eyes scan the other can in his hand.  _ Carb: 1,2g.  _ He puts back one of the shelf and let the one in his hand fall into his basket.

 

He dig his phone out and read his list, looking at his side to see if he’s gotten everything. 

 

He hasn’t. There’s still peanut butter to be bought according to that website he spent two hours on. 

 

He’s still adding carbs to fibers to calories in his mind, comparing two different jars, when a hand land on his shoulder. 

 

He almost drops one of them and turns around, his eyes as big as soucoupes . Soon, his eyelids drop back over his eyes and he heaves a sighs.

 

“ Clint. What the fuck.”

 

“ Bucky boy!”

 

Bucky hates having his hair ruffled. Clint knows that. He doesn’t care at all.

 

“ Clint.”

 

“ Aw. C’mon, let me see a little smile” he coos and Bucky’s pout deepens which only makes Clint’s smile wider.

 

Bucky should've seen it coming, considering this is Clint. It still takes him by surprise when the blond grabs his jaw and slam his lips against his.

 

Bucky doesn’t even have time to close his eyes, Clint’s already pulling back laughing at him.

 

“ Your face!” 

 

Bucky glares at him.

 

“ You’re an asshole” He laments , putting one of the jar in his cart, forgetting to check which one is the ‘best’. The other is left in a noodle shelf.

 

He lets Clint guide his cart and Bucky’s grateful because he can stick his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.

 

“ So what are you doing?”

 

Bucky looks at him as if he was stupid. As if, he wasn’t in a supermarket with a cart full of groceries. 

 

Clint gets the message loud and clear. He rephrases. “ I meant, like. What are you doing, tonight.”

 

Bucky raises an eyebrow and the corner of his lips up. “ Why?” His voice is amused. 

 

Clint drops a pack of beer in the cart before guiding them to another aisle and Bucky laughs. “ Yeah get one of those”

 

Clint grins and drop the pack of condoms on top of a bag of lettuce.

 

-

 

“ Fuck. Fuck.” Bucky brings his hands up to his own mouth. “ It’s too hot.” He complains and Clint glances at him, laughing.

 

“ Told you to wait , silly.” He says, branding his spatula up to bucky’s face who’s glaring at it , before glaring at Clint.

 

“ I did wait.”

 

“ Clearly not enough”

 

“Clearly” Bucky nods and catches the wet towel Clint throws at him, wrapping it around his slightly red and irritated hand.  “ Hope they’re good, at least.”

 

Clint drops his eyes to the pan of chocolate cookies before glancing up. “ They’re always good.” He says matters-of-fact and Bucky nods. 

 

Clint has two speciality dishes he masters. It’s also the only two things he knows how to cook. Beef stroganoff and chocolate chip cookies. 

 

Bucky made mashed potatoes and a little salad - He insisted even if Clint didn’t see the point.

 

[“ It’s vegetables!”

 

“ Potatoes are a vegetable.”

 

“ We need some colors.”

 

“ We can add Ketchup.”]

 

Finally, he had given in when Bucky said he’d make a mayonnaise-garlic- lemon sauce to go with clint’s dreaded leafy greens.

 

Bucky was just about finished, stirring the sauce one last time when Clint turned off the stove and walked up to him.

 

“ it needs to cool down” he says , planting his hands over the counter, framing Bucky’s hips who was pushed against the warmed surface of the wood.

 

Clint had paid for the beers and condoms - he initially wanted to pay for everything but Bucky had slammed his credit card fast against the metal surface of the supermarket clerk's spot.

 

They had made it into Bucky’s apartment but Clint insisted they stayed the night at his place. Bucky agreed since Clint promised to make dinner.

 

“ What will we do to pass time?” bucky fake-complain.

 

Clint presses his hips against the brunet’s and inches his hand up his shirt. His warm palm meets the soft skin of his side and Bucky feels the warmth travel up to his face. 

 

“ I don’t know. What d’you suggest?” He leans in and kisses the corner of his lips. Bucky smiles and turns it into a proper kiss. 

 

“ I don’t know.” 

 

Clint laughs and drops his head against Bucky’s shoulder , pinching his hip. He glances up and gives him another quick , hard kiss. “ What movie?” He asks as he goes back to the stove, stacking up two plates and handing them to Bucky, as well as two forks and the salad bowl.

 

Bucky watches him take the whole pan of beef and the pot of mashed potatoes and put them directly on the table.

 

Bucky knows that his ma would've freaked out at the gesture, he knows  _ he  _ doesn’t care.

 

He pushes them a bit to make room for the plates as Clint goes back to the kitchen. Bucky’s not even halfway through pushing his back against the couch that Clint comes back and drops the pack of beers.

 

“ Is lord of the rings okay? It’s the only one i own and i forgot to rent another one.”

 

-

 

The fact that Clint knows every words to the movie and recites them before they are pronounced should cues Bucky on how many times a week he watches it.

 

“ D’you want more?”

 

Bucky turns to him and glances down at the pan of cookies in clint’s hand. Four beers down each is enough to make Clint’s words sluts a little. 

 

Bucky shakes his head. He’s slouched back against the couch , arms crossed over his chest and Clint’s plastered at his side.

 

Bucky doesn’t mind. He’s always loved human company. Especially Clint’s company. 

 

He brings his attention back to the movie but Clint nudges him again.

 

“ Hm?”

 

“ Take one”

 

“ i’m full, Clint.”

 

“ Just one. Please.”

 

Bucky sighs and takes the cookies from Clint’s palm. He lifts up. “ Cheers” - and puts it in his mouth.

 

They are delicious. They always are. But Bucky’s been trying this thing where you watch what you eat and count macros. 

 

As if Clint was reading his mind. “ You gotta stop, you know.”

 

Bucky frowns at him and clint’s still watching the screen. “Stop what?”

 

“ Stop this whole thing where you don’t allow yourself to enjoy things cause someone made up conventional and unconventional body type segregations based on a fee people’s preference and what they find pretty.” 

 

Bucky’s frown disappeared into his hairline by the time Clint turned to point at him. “ And you. You are very pretty.”

 

Clint may’ve hiccuped once and concealed it - tried anyway - in the middle of it and Bucky’s sure he’s drunk. 

 

He doesn’t know what to say and so he just shrugs and sinks a little more against the back rest. He takes a shy bite off the cookie and Clint leans down to kiss his cheek. 

 

“ I wanna fuck you.”

 

Bucky laughs. “ well, we did buy condoms didn’t we.”

 

“ Hell yeah” he says and reaches behind him, dig in his back pocket and pushes the box of condoms on the table.

 

Clint’s pushing Bucky so he’s laying on his back and Clint’s between his thighs. “ You were sitting on it the whole time?”

 

“ Yes?”

 

Bucky glances down at Clint’s tented jeans. “ We’re fucking here?”

 

“ D’you need a bed princess?”

 

Bucky squints his eyes as if he wasn’t blushing. “ Do  _ you  _ need one?”

 

“ Nope. Princess” he adds, just to spite Bucky. It works.

 

“ Fuck you , man”

 

Clint only laughs and pushes him down further.

 

Gollum was being creepy on the screen and Clint was taking off his shirt. Bucky lifted his, up to his armpits, pushing Clint down to rest on him. 

 

Clint always found it endearing how much Bucky liked skin on skin contact. 

 

He studied enough in his psychology class and knew enough of Bucky’s relationship with his parents to know what it was all about. Whether Bucky was aware of it or not, Clint never told him.

 

He only accepted it as a Bucky thing. Like he accepts that sometimes Bucky sleeps curled next to him, his thumb resting against his lips, that he always asks if he can get more food when they’re out at their favorite pizzeria - as if Clint would ever say no, as if he had to ask - like he accepts that sometimes Bucky calls him in the middle of the night for a quick fuck, and Clint knows that it’s not about the promised orgasm, that the loneliness was suffocating the Brunet, that the only way he could muster to ask for company was to give in return, the promise of an orgasm. 

 

He accepts the fact that Bucky never seems to understand that he doesn’t have to promise anything, that he can pick up the phone and he’ll be there to hold him. 

 

Three out of four nights, climaxes never happens, Bucky just kisses him and when he tries to take off Clint’s shirt , the blond just smiles and holds his hands before - eventually after a moment of staring at each other - Bucky cuddles up to him and hides his face in his chest , as if Clint couldn't feel the tear run through his shirt. Clint rubbing his back and telling him about his day and his shitty job 

 

That Bucky will probably never notice how much Clint pays attention to him. 

  
  


He rubs his thumbs against bucky’s exposed hips, pinching the skin there , occasionally. 

 

“Clint ” Bucky whispered and a blush’s running up his neck.

 

Clint shrugs and kisses his chin. “You like it” He says and moves a little lower. Scattering little pecks down his neck. Brushing lightly against his neck, feathery enough that Bucky shivers a little.

 

“ We take this off?” He asks and looks up. 

 

Bucky shrugs as well. “ If you want”

 

“ Oh,  i want.”

 

He laughs at that and Clint kisses his mouth. His hands are working at lifting up the hem all the way up to his neck. He tugs a little and Bucky complies and sits up. Clint keeps a hand behind his back when Bucky’s taking off the shirt.

 

He tries to lay back down but clint kisses him again and Bucky’s aware of every body rolls that are forming in this position. 

 

“ How was it with Steve?” 

 

Bucky startles and pushes at him. “ You’re gonna ask me about Steve  _ now ? _ ” He frowns. “ How d’you know there was even a  **it.”**

 

Clint shrugs and points at his collarbones. Bucky press his chin against his chest to see, but it only makes his chin doubles and his eyes falls at his rounded midsection. He can’t see the hickeys he guesses formed there. 

 

“ It was good.” He answers and Clint taps on his forearms till Bucky loosens his embrace. He stills has his hands on his lap, thumb worriedly rubbing against his right thigh. 

 

Clint hums and kisses his cheek, moves to his ear, suck on his earlobe, let his tongue rest against his neck before moving it down his jaw, all the while Bucky was slowly laying back down on the sofa. 

  
  


A little moan left his mouth and Clint smirked , paying attention lower, all the way down to those little body rolls that were still apparent cause bucky had a pillow under him making him sit up a little higher. 

 

“ You’re gonna see him soon?” 

 

Bucky doesn’t want to answer. He really doesn’t. Mostly because he doesn’t know the amswer himself.

 

“ Don’t know. Fuck me.”

 

Clint laughs and bites his forearm, lining the bite with his tongue afterward.

 

-

 

Bucky hates to lie. 

 

Sometimes it’s stronger than him, that urge to lie and disappear for a few minutes. 

 

He never forgets to take his phone with him and tunes on whatever video comes first when he opens Youtube. Set the volume to maximum, place it by the door once it’s closed behind him, kneel in front of the toilet and never hesitate.

 

He pushes it all out , the mashed potato, bits of salad, the chewed beef , even the cookies. He coughs and almost chokes on his vomit. He heaves and grabs the side of the toilet tightly. 

 

He’s not even scared anymore. His throat burns, he can feel the saliva run down his chin. 

 

The video ends and he flushes everything out. He lets the water from the sink runs over his knuckles before looking up and he grimaces slightly at his reflection before wiping his jaw and chin from saliva and .. everything else.

  
  


He’s glad he’s already naked, makes cleaning easier. He pours some of Clint’s toothpaste on his finger and ‘brushes’ his teeth.

 

“ You’re okay?” Clint asks when he comes back to the living room and drops his phone on the coffee table. 

 

He nods and takes his place laying on his side in front of Clint, letting the blond close an arm over his waist and tuck him in closer. 

 

The sofa’s big enough that they fit comfortably like this. “ you’re sure?”

 

He nods again and brings clint’s hand to his mouth, kisses the back of it and tuck their joined hand over his chest. 

 

“ wanna go to bed ?”

 

They go to bed, walking down the small hall in the dimmed light , naked. Clint swats his ass and smiles at Bucky’s frown.

 

“ You weren’t complaining when i did that earlier.”

 

Bucky tugs up the cover. “ You weren’t , not deep inside of me earlier”

 

“ Touché.”

 

Clint slides in close and press the knuckles of his open hand on the side of his neck, caressing lightly this way. “ I’m really glad i know you” he says and it takes Bucky by surprise. 

 

He smiles fondly and brings Clint’s face down into a soft small kiss. “ Me too” he says.

 

Clint knows, and Bucky knows as well - there is a certain romance between them. It’s undeniable. But it’s more like .. a bromance. 

 

He kisses the side of his neck when Bucky turns over and presses his ass against Clint’s hips. The brunette smiles softly and is too blissed In contentement to remember to startles when Clint lays a careful hand over his belly, gently running a thumb back and forth.

  
  


They wouldn't change anything . 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Love it when you leave your thought in the comments! Thank you!
> 
>  
> 
> Also, i’d like to point out that ,unfortunately, EDs comes to all different types of people. It doesnt make it less dangerous ou less ‘valid’ if your bmi’ isnt lower than 18. Also, the outcome of an ED isn’t always weight loss , it can also lead to WG, and on and on its really complexe and i’m trying my best to portay it. 
> 
> Hope you like it and if you’re going through ED or any other disorder , i really really hope you’ll pull thru and give yourself the time and patience to do that


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